


The Soliloquy

by gcldcnhour



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death Eaters, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Hogwarts, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Sibling Rivalry, Wizarding Wars (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28870236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gcldcnhour/pseuds/gcldcnhour
Summary: Everyone is on high alert as the wizarding world edges into a war. The students of Hogwarts are not immune to the outside influences, with everyone scrambling to pick sides.Jocelin Avery attempts to chose what is the right thing to do, and in the process she falls in love with the mysterious and quiet Regulus Black. He seems to have his mind made up about everything, and she wishes to follow suit. In the process of war they face hard choices, betrayal, heartache, and the loss of innocence. Happy endings only exist for a few, and Jocelin is determined to find one for them some way.cross posted on wattpad under @gcldcnhour
Relationships: Marlene McKinnon/Original Female Character(s), Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I just had this idea of exploring the Wizarding World through someone adjacent to all the action, and the consequences of it all. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> A/N: This is an OC Female Avery story of hogwarts and life during the first wizarding war, mentions of oc and canon characters and follows the trajectory of Regulus's parts in the canon story. Also, I want to explicitly state that I do not support JKR, her beliefs, or those associated with her that still give her support. 
> 
> Every chapter has a song that corresponds with it. Feel free to listen before/during/after reading or not at all. It's just a fun part for me mostly. They'll be formatted with a lyric and then the title and artist.

[ 𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚙𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚠 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚏 ]

runaway // aurora

« -- ❈ -- »

Everyone has their secrets.

And Jocelin Avery despised not knowing them.

Upstairs doors closed with slams and laughter erupted from inside the rooms. It seemed her sister Delilah and Sirius Black had abandoned their summer work in favor of Exploding Snap, while the Black sisters crept around the house speaking in low cautious whispers. Jocelin found herself tucked in a corner, ear pressed against the dark wood paneling attempting to glean anything coherent from the urgent whispers from the next room over.

She was so focused on the task she hadn't noticed another appear next to her, watching carefully.

"What are you doing?" She jumped, quickly pressing a finger to her lips to silence them. It was Regulus Black, his curly dark hair just barely covering his eyes so he had to shake his head every few minutes in an attempt to brush them from his sight. His hands settled in his pockets and he made no move to leave Jocelin alone, oddly curious at her position.

"Shh, I'm trying to listen." The eleven year old whispered, pressing her ear back to the wall.

_"Filthy mudbloods..."_

_"Kreacher, get!"_

_"You've heard the rumors too? I cannot say I disagree..."_

"I think they're talking about muggle-borns. Mudbloods you know. My mum says they shouldn't be allowed at Hogwarts or in our world, it's a disgrace." Regulus offered, still rooted in his spot. It was useless now, his presence distracting Jocelin entirely.

"That's all they ever talk about." She murmured disappointedly and pushed away from the wall, standing up to meet him almost eye-to-eye. It was more than that though, that much was obvious to everyone. Jocelin just couldn't place what she was missing exactly.

The two stood there for a moment, silent in their attempts to figure out just what to say to the other. Regulus's lips twitched, as if he was trying to find the words to address the situation. Her eyes fell across his features before tearing away to glance behind them, her ears burning. Over Regulus's shoulder Narcissa seemed to be talking rather seriously at an annoyed Bellatrix. There was an air of tension between them, as they both repeatedly glanced at the room next to them, the same one Jocelin had attempted to listen in on.

That's when Bella and Narcissa noticed the two of them, their hands clasping as they lead each other away. If Regulus hadn't been in her way, Jocelin would have surely attempted to follow them. Yet he stood there, unmoving.

"You're rather odd, don't you know?" The words were all she could think of and slipped from her lips before she had time to gather them. This seemed to amuse Regulus. They'd known each other for practically their whole lives, but Jocelin had yet to find fun in his presence, not the way Delilah and Sirius did.

"Does everyone's faces end up on this wall?" The walls around them were lined with fabric, names and faces connected through the branches of a tree. It was equally mesmerizing as it was off-putting, and she had every urge to reach out and run her fingers across it, to trace the names to their roots.

"Yes." Regulus answered flatly, his gaze following Jocelin as her fingers brushed against the fabric, starting at his own name.

"Wicked." She murmured, reading across the names and dates, connections of where the others had gotten married or died or given birth. It seemed ridiculous to a degree, but was an easy way to trace back lineage, to proudly claim the Black name and pure-blood status.

A door clicked behind them, tearing the children's attention away from the wall. Quickly Jocelin pulled her hand away from it, face flushing as if she had been caught doing something far worse than admiring the family tree.

"Regulus." The pale woman stepped towards them, her stricken face softening at the sight of her youngest son. "Go fetch your cousins, they will be leaving soon." He nodded and headed back up the stairs. Walburga stared at Jocelin intensely, either warning her to stay away from Regulus or from the wall she wasn't quite sure.

"Jocelin isn't it? Mira and Angus's youngest?" Jocelin nodded, swallowing hard. "I presume you're off to Hogwarts in a few months? Same as Regulus?" She nodded again, her mouth going dry under the stare.

"And your sister...Delilah, who is the same age as Sirius, what house was she sorted into?"

"Ravenclaw Miss."

"And where do you hope to be?" She hoped for Ravenclaw, but knew better than to voice that.

"Slytherin."

"Good. I believe your parents are leaving, you should run along." She waved her hand and turned away, retreating into the house that Jocelin always felt as if it was holding its breath. Everyone returned from the stairs, Sirius and Delilah clearly trying to hold back a laugh, eyeing each other like teenagers did. Regulus met Jocelin's stare again and she gave a small quiet wave.

"Orion, Walburga, you must come over to ours next time." Her father mused proudly, stepping into the hallway and motioning for Jocelin to come towards him. She followed obediently, while Delilah drug her feet, huffing something under her breath to Sirius who turned away, lips twisting to keep out another laugh.

"Of course Angus." Orion nodded, shooing his sons back up the stairs. Jocelin noted that she hadn't seen Andromeda, Narcissa, or Bellatrix return and her eyes drifted through the house wishing to collect its secrets.

They took turns, stepping into the fireplace with a small handful of floo powder. Jocelin always took the second turn, no matter who she was with, an order her mother insisted upon. Just as the green flames went up around her, Delilah stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes, finally allowing Jocelin to break into a large grin as she landed back home.

« -- ❈ -- »

Her dreams were darkness, swallowing her whole. And just as Jocelin was sure she was meeting the end of it, finding out what laid beyond the darkness, a hand shook her roughly.

"Get up Jojo." Delilah stood over her, smirking as Jocelin wiped the sleep from her eyes. The dream slowly left her body as she sat up, eyes adjusting to the light that flooded through the windows.

"Don't call me that." She murmured, head hitting the pillow once again craving for sleep.

"Oh, don't think you're going back to sleep anytime soon. We must be going. Your mummy will be pissed." Delilah sang plopping down on top of her little sister instead, now prying her eyes open bringing another groan from Jocelin.

"Get off."

"Then get up. I want to get to Diagon Alley early, that way I can have the afternoon to myself." With that she peeled herself off her sister and out the room, singing nonsense down the hallway.

 _Diagon Alley!_ Jocelin jumped from her bed, scrambling to find something acceptable to wear. The days were inching closer and closer to them leaving for Hogwarts, she couldn't believe she had forgotten that they were shopping for her things that day. Knots rolled in her stomach as she thought about Hogwarts, Delilah told her they made them drink this awful potion and whatever color they puked was their house. It seemed like codswallop, but the idea still worried her.

_What if she didn't find a wand? What if she got to Hogwarts and had no magic?_

These thoughts paralyzed her for a minute, fingers hovering over the buttons of her shirt. _What if, what if, what if..._

"Jocelin, we must be going." The soothing call of her mother's voice was enough to pull her from the endless rabbit hole she found herself in.

"Coming." She raced to finish getting dressing, pushing a headband into her long black hair to at least attempt to look decent. Appearance mattered in their house, something Jocelin took seriously.

Soon she found herself outside of Ollivander's, staring at the old daunting building.

"We don't have all day dear, go on in. I'll go get your books." Mira nodded at her youngest, already heading off toward Flourish and Blotts. Delilah had disappeared as soon as they arrived, and her father mentioned having to find something at Gringotts, leaving Jocelin on her own. If anything she wished Delilah was there to give her a push inside, to poke fun at her hesitation and question exactly what it was she was afraid of.

It would have been better than being alone.

Taking in a small breath, Jocelin pushed herself inside, unsettled by how dark and dusty it seemed. She still found herself alone, surprised by this considering she shouldn't be the only one in need of a wand.

"Hello?" She called out softly, peering across the counter amazed by all the boxes that lined the wall. It seemed impossible to know which contained what wand, but Ollivander never seemed to fail to place the right wand with the right witch or wizard.

The bell on the door tinkered and Jocelin whipped around, trying to keep a calm face as Regulus entered. He too was alone.

"Ah, I was wondering when I would get you two." It seemed out of no where, Ollivander stood in front of them, smiling down with an uneasiness. As much as Jocelin wanted to look away, to break the eye-contact she couldn't, her eyes wide as she took him in. Was this the same experience for everyone?

"Mr. Black, I know exactly where to start with you. Miss. Avery, you hold a bit of...apprehension. I'll let you sort that out first." And in the same moment he was at the back of the stacks, mumbling to himself.

There was a beat of silence, Jocelin stricken by Ollivander's comment. She had no reason to be apprehensive, to question, and yet there she was limbs tense as she waited for whatever it was to end.

"Here, Regulus. 12 inches Ebony with Unicorn hair core." He presented to Regulus somewhat proudly. "Similar to your Fathers."

Regulus waved and nothing happened.

"Hm..." Ollivander paused glancing through those he pulled out. His eyes shifted from the wands, to Regulus his features softening.

"It would be odd, but not as much." He murmured, picking up what seemed to be a stray wand and placing it in the young boys hands. There wasn't much explanation to how Ollivander knew what wands belonged to which child, but it was this intrinsic connection that he could see.

Jocelin watched in awe as the room seemed to fill with a soft light, a glow surrounding the typical gloomy Regulus.

"11 inches, Cypress, Dragon Heartstring." It seemed to be the perfect match, an air of mystery enveloping both Regulus and Ollivander as he accepted the payment from the young boy with almost sad eyes.

With a nod of his head towards her, Regulus exited the store just as silently as he entered, leaving Jocelin alone yet again.

"I know the perfect one for you Miss. Avery." She nodded, frozen in place as he rummaged through the boxes behind him.

"Wonderful."

Before Jocelin could even begin to find words, the wand was placed in her hand. It warmed her palm, and something shifted. Everything felt lighter, more comforting.

"Give it a wave." A simple swoosh and light sparks fell from the tip, celebrating its placement. She was a witch after all, and her worries faded back into her heart.

"Beautiful, it's funny. Your sisters wand is almost exactly the opposite." He smiled at her, sending another shiver down her spine. That statement wouldn't surprise most, it seemed quite obvious how different her and Delilah had been.

"Dogwood with a Dragon Heartstring core, Delilah Avery shall be quite a witch. But you Miss Jocelin, Willow with a Unicorn Hair core. I hope you do find whatever it is you're looking for." Shaken by his comment, Jocelin gave a half-smile, slid the galleons across the counter and did everything she could to not just run from the store.

With her wand clutched tightly in her hand, she wondered how he had known.

Scurrying across the cobbled stones, she found herself outside of Flourish and Blotts just as Delilah lazily walked over, her eyes falling across Jocelin's face.

"Took you long enough, Mum finished most of your shopping for you. Now let me get a good look at your wand." Swiftly she snatched it from Jocelin's hands and examined it, her body softening as she handed it back.

"Why are our wands so different Del?" She asked curiously, the words coming back to her.

"Because we're different people Jo."

« -- ❈ -- »


	2. Two.

« -- ❈ -- » 

**_[_** 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚖𝚎? 𝙼𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚕𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 ** _]_**

_evil // james vincent mcmorrow_

« -- ❈ -- » 

Sometimes, and _only_ sometimes, Jocelin would daydream that she wasn't a Slytherin.

It was dangerous for her to think about the _could have's_ in her life. If she had been **more** like her sister, stating plainly what house she wanted.

Still, the hat had hesitated.

Across the Great Hall laughter erupted from the Gryffindor table, the usual suspects of James Potter and Sirius Black behind it. She watched in awe, head propped on her hand as she pushed the leftover jam on her plate around with a knife.

Her sister sat with them, and Jocelin felt jaded. How come she never wanted to hang out with her? A small ping echoed from her plate as the knife was driven through the left over crust of her toast when she watched Delilah laugh, placing her hand on James Potters arm.

"What a bunch of gits." Regulus mumbled settling next to her, and Jocelin straightened up her area, dropping the knife so as not to give away the true feelings bubbling just under the surface.

Four years prior just a few seats down the two had sat side by side, grinning as they were welcomed to the table with open arms. It only made sense after all. Her cousins, as his, cheered them on, smirking across toward everyone else. No one mentioned the hesitation on her behalf, she belonged there after all.

Jocelin could remember the sting of Delilah's glare, the tears that pricked the corner of her eyes as her sister turned away welcoming a stranger to the Ravenclaw table. If only she could have welcomed her in that manner. If only _she_ could have been different.

And Jocelin wasn't sure if the she was directed more at her sister, or herself.

"Hello, earth to Avery." A hand waved in front of her face and Jocelin shook herself out of her trance, finally directing her gaze away from her sister. Hettie Burke, her self-proclaimed best friend, shot her a look of confusion.

"Hm?" Jocelin folded her hands into her lap, trying to pass off the daydreaming as anything but.

"I asked if you were coming to Quidditch try-outs with me later. Our boy Reg is defending his position as seeker." Hettie winked at Regulus from across the table. Shyly he looked back at his eggs, poking them with a fork.

"Oh, of course. I'll probably bring some work along with me." She assured her friend with a smile. Hettie looked bored by the comment, rolling her head back with an exasperated sigh.

"What is with you and always doing your homework?" There was a strong distaste in Hettie's voice. Jocelin shrugged, it was better to not argue with her on these points.

"I don't mind it." It gave her something to do that at least felt productive. "Besides, we know he's the best there is." Her elbow lightly nudged Regulus, who gave a small snort in response. His eyes gazed up across the hall to where his brother sat, head thrown back in laughter as James made a twisted face.

Her heart sank.

His fork clanged against his plate as he pushed them aside, swiftly and silently leaving the table. Hettie stared at Jocelin with bored eyes.

"Dramatic." She mumbled, diverting her attention back to the copy of Witch's Weekly that sat next to her.

But she didn't know what it was like, to watch your sibling turn away from everything you knew. To watch them become something else.

And the worst part was that they didn't seem to care about who they were leaving behind.

« -- ❈ -- » 

Jocelin often enjoyed the long walk from the Quidditch pitch back to the castle. Hettie would, on the other hand, loudly complain about how she couldn't just hop on a broom or apparate back up the hill. It was amusing commentary at least. On this day she found herself alone, Hettie staying behind to try to woo a particularly aggressive beater she had witnessed. Jocelin preferred it, her books tucked tightly to her chest as she strolled, her thoughts flowing in and out with no real destination.

As she came up over the grassy hill she was surprised to see her sister standing there with Marlene McKinnon. They seemed engrossed in a conversation, smiles spread widely across their flushed cheeks. Jocelin clutched her books even tighter to her chest, attempting to avoid eye-contact with Delilah.

Not that she would even acknowledge her in the first place.

With her head tucked and eyes steady on the ground in front of her, she passed by the two girls, noting the silence that fell around them. Her breath came out in small puffs in front of her, concentrating on just getting back to the common room, she had no need to engage with her sister.

"Jojo!" It came a few steps after she passed them, stopping Jocelin in her place. She hated when things panned out differently than she planned.

The taller brunette jogged to catch up, parting with the golden blonde who seemed to eye Jocelin warily. What did she have to worry about? They were sisters after all.

"Can I join you?" Her eyebrows knitted in confusion, she could count exactly how many times Delilah had accompanied Jocelin anywhere at Hogwarts in her now five years there. But she gave a small nod, already turning back to the school, afraid to mention anything that might send her sister off in the opposite direction.

Delilah seemed to understand, her hands wrapped around her middle as she followed her sister in silence. It hadn't always been like this, the two were found together giggling in corners as children, Delilah rubbing Jocelin's back after a nightmare, or sneaking into the kitchen to taste-test the food to the dismay of their house-elf Dilly.

"Were you watching Quidditch practice?" Delilah offered, glancing to her right at her little sister. She hadn't noticed until then that Jocelin had grown a few inches, almost to her own height now.

"Yes. Hettie wanted to go." Delilah nodded. There was more silence.

She wondered if it was just the house difference, the disappointment of her parents when Delilah wrote home saying she had been sorted into Ravenclaw rather than Slytherin. They argued that she should have tried harder, made it evident that she was in fact a pure-blood, an _Avery_ at that.

After that, things hadn't been quite the same. Jocelin pretended it was just because she wasn't at Hogwarts yet, that once they were at school together things would be back to normal. But Jocelin had promised she would be placed in Slytherin. And things got cold.

They arrived at the entranceway leading them back through the corridors and courtyard. Jocelin paused, still not sure why her sister had elected to join her on a silent walk especially after she seemed so delighted to be in the presence of Marlene McKinnon.

"Why are you friends with Hettie?" Delilah blurted out facing her sister completely now. Her eyebrows scrunched together, going over the question. Why was she questioning her on her friendships? They were perfectly acceptable.

"Because, she's my friend." There wasn't much explanation, it was fitting. Her parents had suggested it, and Hettie immediately attached herself to Jocelin and Regulus as soon as they had plopped down on the Hogwarts express. Whatever Hettie had her mind set to, Hettie accomplished.

Delilah sighed softly, glancing back towards the entranceway.

"Why are you friends with _them_?" The words were soft, a typical delivery from Jocelin especially towards Delilah. The older turned back, her face hardening at the question.

" _Them_? You mean James and Sirius? Marlene?" The words came out harsher than expected. "Because, they're _my_ friends."

"Right." She let out a breath, eyes trailing back on the ground as she pushed past her sister and into the corridor. Jocelin heard her name whispered softly but ignored it. The stones under her feet blurred, she just had to focus on each step carrying her towards the dungeons.

A stray tear fell and she swiped it away " _Acromentura_ " she whispered to the wall, only waiting until it was just big enough for her to slip through.

If only she could have her sister enter the same way.

« -- ❈ -- »


	3. Three.

« -- ❈ -- » **_  
_**

_**[** _𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚊 𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚝, 𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚍   
𝚃𝚘𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚊 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗 _**]**_

_shapeshifter // local natives_

« -- ❈ -- » 

There were always whispers. 

The positive about being the youngest, and the quietest, meant people often overlooked her presence. 

And they were terrible whisperers in Jocelin's opinion. 

_"Marlene, are you sure?"_ It was her sisters voice, urgent. 

_"I'm quite positive. There's more we can do."_

Jocelin's quill stilled as she strained to hear. She was tucked away against the wall as the voices came from the aisle just in front of her table. Her body tensed in the usual manner, attempting to make herself smaller. Her eyes held steady on the parchment but she dare not breathe too loudly as to give herself away. 

The wooden boards creaked when the duo shifted down the aisle, nearing Jocelin. In the background the fire crackled and students whispered so as not to attract the attention and wrath of Madam Pince. But she swore the air stilled around her. 

_"Where did you hear this?"_

_"From Sirius, who got it from Dumbledore."_ It didn't sound good, whatever it was, especially with Sirius involved. Jocelin didn't know how Regulus and him were _brothers_. She looked up to see the shadow of her sister and thought similarly. 

Hettie dropped a copy of The Daily Prophet on the table, startling Jocelin from her thoughts.

"Have you heard?" She whispered, eyes ablaze in ways that concerned her.

"Heard what?"

"The attacks on the filthy muggles, that's what." Jocelin's heart stopped. Of course she had heard, everyone whispered so often about the attacks happening around the country, about the Dark Lord's rise, contemplating who was involved and who would be the next victims.

Jocelin wished she didn't know any of it.

Delilah and Marlene stepped out from the aisle, whispers ceasing as they noticed Hettie. Jocelin looked up at her friend with concern as she cut her eyes to the duo. Delilah flipped her hair over her shoulder and she passed by with nothing more. Marlene ignored them altogether, hand delicately laid upon Delilah's arm to guide her away.

"Of course, who hasn't Het?" She let out a small laugh turning back to her, hands pressed roughly against the paper, trying not to dwell on the moment that had just passed them. Hettie rolled her eyes, obviously dissatisfied with her answer.

"Do you know anyone involved?" _Yes_. But it was dangerous to talk about, even with those she figured she could trust; with those who were in no doubt in her mind involved, with those who even before Voldemort sought blood purity.

Those like her family, and Hettie's, and Regulus's.

"No, don't be silly. I'm here at Hogwarts, how am I supposed to know anything?" Her laugh was strained as she turned her attention back to her books, Pince shushing them back to whispers. It wasn't much of a secret that if she could, Hettie would be on the frontlines not caring who knew it.

Jocelin didn't know which was more dangerous, for all of them to pretend as if nothing was happening, to keep all the followers a secret, or for you to know exactly who they were. 

"You two look like you're up to no good." 

Regulus slid into the chair across from Jocelin, giving her a sly smile as he flipped open his book. 

"Us? We're so innocent an angel could dirty us." Hettie batted her eyelashes. It wasn't actually wrong when talking about Jocelin, Hettie was another story. 

"Yea, sure you are Het." She swatted his arm, the smack echoing across the library. Pince stepped over, eyes narrowed at Hettie. 

"Ms. Burke, this is a library, not the Quidditch pitch. 5 points from Slytherin." 

"Bloody hell, I'm not the only one who talks around here." She answered back rather loudly. Madam Pince spun on her heel, eyebrow arched at Hettie. 

"10 more points." Hettie straightened up, already opening her mouth to let everyone know exactly what she thought of this situation. 

"Hettie, shut up, we can't lose more points." Jocelin whispered, fingers tugging on her friends sleeve forcing her to plop into the open chair. 

"Fucking mental she is." Hettie grumbled, not caring as she obnoxiously pulled out her books and flipped through the pages. 

Regulus met Jocelin's eyes with annoyance. 

"Dramatic." She mouthed to him, earning another smile as they turned back to their studies. Her heart fluttered for a moment, but she ignored it for now.

« -- ❈ -- » 

Sirius seemed to be waiting for Regulus as he left the library, leaving Jocelin alone. He was leaned against the stone, eyes steady on the door as his younger brother walked by, surprising him. 

"What do you want." It wasn't a question coming from the young Black, all emotion had since vanished from his face as he stalled to meet his brother. Sirius never acknowledged him unless he really needed something. 

"What? A brother can't say hello?" He tried to joke, pushing off the wall to clap Regulus on the back. Regulus tensed under his touch, immediately shrugging off his brother's hands. 

"You're not that kind of brother." The words were mumbled and Sirius elected to ignore them. Instead he let out a slow breath, as if working up the nerve for something else. 

"How's your love life going? I've seen the way Hettie Burke looks at you across the Great Hall." 

"That's none of your business." 

"Ah! But it is my business, must take care of my younger brother now shall I?" Sirius stopped turning to face Regulus fully. His voice might have been playful, but his look told a different story. His eyes studied Regulus who held the same still features he always did, making it impossible for Sirius to read him. He often wondered what was going through his mind, the kid had a knack for telling people things they want to hear. 

"What do you want." He repeated, an almost undetectable inflection on the last word. There was silence as they stared at each other, tension rising in ways Regulus only found in their home. 

Jocelin, in usual fashion, was left alone at her table in the library rereading through her essay for Charms. Hettie had gotten bored early on and left to chase after Alexander Nott, wanting to question him about his rather close relationship to Professor Slughorn. As soon as Regulus had finished everything he needed to he was leaving. 

There was just something comforting about the library that Jocelin always had a hard time pulling herself away from it. 

But as she realized she was, in fact, done with her coursework she slowly began to pack her things away. Every so often Madam Pince would walk by and peer over at her as if to make sure she wouldn't be causing any kind of trouble. Not that she would. She had watched too often, peering from the stairs into her kitchen as her parents sent howler after howler to Delilah during her first year at Hogwarts. Her stomach ached at the thought. 

Now they only sent her silence. Jocelin couldn't decide which was worse. 

Her hands clutched the books that wouldn't fit in her bag close to her chest, her head tucked down as she walked. It was getting late, and she figured her friends were already in the common room, making too much noise to piss off the prefects. 

But as she rounded the corner away from the library, she was surprised to see Regulus standing there facing Sirius. Their eyes were locked and she slowed her pace. Regulus's lips trembled as he spoke, his voice too low for Jocelin to pick up. She watched as Sirius's face hardened at them. This felt too intimate, something she shouldn't be witnessing. For a moment she paused, contemplating heading back to the library or taking the long way back to the common room. But just as she went to turn, Sirius caught her gaze, breaking the bubble of their conversation. 

Her lips turned into a shy smile, eyes pleading with him. But he just scowled at Regulus before turning away. He let out a breath, his shoulders relaxing when he turned to see Jocelin, surprised by her presence. 

"I, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude." She offered as she stepped over to him, he gave a shrug, his eyes softening as they gazed over her. 

"Do you need help with your books?" Before she could respond he reached out and plucked them from her grasp, easily clutching them to one side. With her hands free, she instinctively tucked her hair behind her ears, eyes drawing away from Regulus and back to the floor. 

"Are you okay? That seemed like a difficult conversation." Her voice was small in the corridor as they walked along. Regulus gave a shrug, never having been one to reveal much information about himself or his family. She let the topic fall, acutely aware that she had no idea what to do with her hands as they turned by a corner and towards the dungeons. He seemed content with the silence, the ease of their closeness as they trotted down the steps and found themselves in front of the entryway to their common room. For a moment they both stood there, staring at the stone wall. Neither made a move to open it, to whisper the new password and be engulfed in the life that was behind the wall. Jocelin took a deep breath.

Their hands lingered close by, and she could feel an electric pull from his towards her. Softly their knuckles brushed, subtle enough that no one would notice and perhaps it didn't mean anything, but Jocelin's heart sped up. 

" _Lacum missus sum_." His voice was steady, and Jocelin couldn't help but glance up at him. As if sensing her eyes he looked over towards her, offering the small smirk he was known for, the one third years tended to swoon over. 

"I suppose you need these back." He handed her books over as the wall moved to reveal the dimly lit common room. She took them back with a simple nod of her head, unable to stop the smile that spread across her lips. There was something about the silence between them, the small looks and ease that Jocelin hoped was indicative of something else. That she wasn't reading too much into it. She liked to think that maybe, she could read Regulus, that she could understand his mind when so many others couldn't. She would like that. 

Hettie was stretched out on the leather couch and immediately shot up as the two entered. Her face brightened in an almost cruel smile. 

"Reg, Alexander was looking for you earlier. Something about an early Quidditch practice tomorrow." The words tumbled out as her eyes shifted noticeably between Jocelin and Regulus. They finally settled on Jocelin's features, narrowing slightly with a question that she didn't dare answer. He moved with an acknowledgement of Hettie's statement, deciding to settle into a chair that faced the darkness of the black lake. If Jocelin stared too long at it, she was sure she saw more nightmares than were actually in there. 

"I'm off to bed. Want me to wake you for breakfast Het?" She offered, the other girl thought for a moment, eyes scanning the room before she nodded. "Perfect." Jocelin smiled, heading up towards the girls dormitory. 

Her fingers twitched against her books, still wondering what it would have been like to take Regulus's hand in hers. 

« -- ❈ -- » 


	4. Four.

« -- ❈ -- » 

**_[_** 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚙𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚜 **_]_**

_how it ends // devotchka_

« -- ❈ -- » 

The fall months had dragged on, and Jocelin had found the mundane patterns of her days to be quite boring. Usually she was a stickler for routine, finding that a good routine seemed to help her be her best self. Or at least the best self everyone expected. But as the autumn leaves had fallen, and the first snow coated the grounds, she found herself latching onto the rumors of her sister and the trouble her friends were causing in their seventh year. Pins of jealousy pricked her skin, leaving her with indiscernible feelings of want and disgust. Hettie's lavish stories and bold antics even sounded appealing these days, though she would never dare whisper this to anyone. Now the sky was white as the Christmas season came upon them, most students seizing the opportunity to head home. 

"Delilah doesn't come home during Christmas anymore." 

"Neither did Sirius." There was a lick of sadness in his words, though he would never admit it. It hadn't even been a full year since his brother ran away, his face darkened on the wall. In a fit of rage his mother had taken to it, first with Andromeda and then with Sirius. His absence was never noted, it had began long before the incident. Still, as much as Regulus didn't want to feel it, he missed him. 

They both sighed, settled in the booth of the Hogwarts Express as the world sped by. Jocelin played with her fingers, they hadn't spent the holidays as a family since Delilah's second year. 

"Want to come around mine? It's quite lonely with just my parents, and my cousins are away this year." Her ears perked up at the question, she would like nothing more. 

"That would be lovely." 

They shared a smile, and Jocelin felt her heart lift. Silence between them was much more comfortable these days. It was harder to find with Hettie, so she relished the unspoken agreements and sense of ease between her and Regulus. She liked to think that it was something special, just between the two of them.

"Did you hear about Bellatrix? She's marrying Rodolphus Lestrange. And unsurprisingly Narcissa is engaged to Lucius." Regulus commented again, his eyes drifting to the window. Jocelin tried to follow his gaze, but found herself distracted. His hair had grown a little too long again, the curls brushing the tips of his eyelashes. Every so often he'd shake his head, but moments later the curls would fall back in their original places. His jaw was more defined, clenched with whatever thoughts he was mulling over. It was good news, great even, for Narcissa and Bellatrix. But there was some strain.

"And Andromeda?" Regulus looked down at his fingers, his non-answer was good enough. Jocelin swallowed, shivering at the thought. Losing her family was something she wouldn't let herself imagine, even though each year the split became more and more prominent. 

"How come every time I leave you two alone, it looks like someone died?" Hettie sighed, dropping the sweets she had picked up from the trolley on the table. 

"Maybe it's your presence Het." Regulus peaked up with a smirk, only to be met with a scowl. 

"Very funny Black." She tossed a box of Bertie's Box of Beans at him before sliding a licorice wand and chocolate frog towards Jocelin. 

"You've got any plans Jo?"

"Just the usual." Which meant strained smiles and false niceties. 

"My father is taking us to Belgium, says we're due for a family holiday. Whatever that means." Hettie rolled her eyes, taking a bite of her cauldron cake and diverting her attention around the car. Her older cousin Henry seemed to be trying his best at wooing a couple of 7th year Ravenclaws, who found his antics quite amusing. Jocelin watched as Hettie licked her lips, eyes narrowing as she tried to reckon with the situation. She met her best friend with a look of apprehension. Hettie responded with the same twinkle and disdain. 

"What?" She questioned, feigning innocence. Jocelin held her gaze, almost motherly toward the girl who sighed loudly and slumped in the seat, her feet resting on the side of the bench across from her. 

The rest of the ride was met without much hiccup. Regulus had pulled out a book Jocelin didn't recognize, Hettie babbled on about seemingly mindless gossip, and she switched between absent-mindedly answering the girl to her left and staring out the window as the world that passed by. 

Letting a small sigh leave her lips, she shifted in her seat and crossed her legs under the table causing her foot to knock lightly against Regulus's. She looked up to apologize, but his eyes were glued to the old leathered book in his hands. Instead he rested his own foot against hers...and ever so softly the toes of his shoe trailed up and down the side of her calf. Was this like some game of _footsy?_ Jocelin felt the blush creep up her neck, and she slid her hand along her skin as if to tame it down. Still she didn't move her foot, allowing it to linger next to his for the remainder of the trip. 

Hettie had fallen asleep, head slumped back with her mouth drooping open just slightly. Jocelin wondered how she did it, just fell asleep so willingly and openly, not caring what it looked like to those around her. Most nights it took her hours to fall asleep in the safety of her own bed, she couldn't imagine doing the same in an open compartment on the train car. But then again Hettie didn't seem to hold any anxiety around how others thought of her, just as long as they were a little bit afraid of her. 

The train slowed as they pulled up to King's Cross, and kids began to clamor up for their things. Hettie awoke with a startle as Regulus casually pushed her outstretched feet off the bench. Confusion flooded her features for a moment as she quickly wiped away the drool on her chin. Jocelin offered a small smile and slid a handkerchief toward her as she pulled herself together. Without much of a word the trio collected their trunks and followed the stream of students toward the platform. 

"Why is my mother here?" Regulus questioned as they stepped off the train. She stood away from the others, a striking woman that stood out even in the crowd of wizards. Her face was strict, not even attempting to look for Regulus, assuming that he would find her. Jocelin noticed the juxtaposition of Walburga Black and her own father, one whom admired the other without fault. 

"Jocelin!" Her father, Angus, waved quite excitedly, her cousins already heading towards him. Augustus was the same age as Delilah, though the two had never been close. He looked up to his older brother and sister, Violet and Vaughn who now worked at the ministry, and attempted to hold himself in an air of seriousness that seemed more vapid than genuine. Not in the way Regulus held himself, Jocelin thought. Silas was a year under her, and quite dumb in her opinion. 

"I'll see you after break Hettie. Safe travels!" She turned toward her, bringing her into a quick hug.

"Maybe I'll bring you back a gift, a handsome boyfriend from Belgium perhaps?" Hettie winked turning to throw her arms around Regulus and bring him in for a reluctant hug. Just as quickly she was grabbing her things and strolling into the thinning crowd after her cousin, already giving him a piece of her mind.

"I'll see you at Christmas then?" Her eyes fluttered to meet Regulus's, who gave a nod. 

"I'll see you at Christmas." He smiled, eyes lighting up just ever so slightly in a way that made her heart swoon. Reaching up she pulled him into a swift hug, grateful he reciprocated with his arm sidling around her waist. In such close proximity his smell was subtle yet prominent. Much like him. It lingered, like sap from the pine tree he emulated, as she pulled away with a bright smile. Making sure to give one last wave, she grabbed her trunk and found her father who seemed more than delighted about the closeness of his daughter and the youngest Black son.

The whole way home Angus laughed and smiled, more interested in the responses from the boys to his questions than her. Still she smiled at them, engaging in the typical conversations, questions about classes, harmless teasing of each others Quidditch skills and the standard disdain for the Gryffindor's. Jocelin was used to this, that despite holding the expectations of her family's reputation on her shoulders, being deemed the _perfect_ child, she could never hold anyone's attention enough for them to show an actual interest in her. It was simply better to admire for a moment, to double check for flaws, than to peer behind the appearance and see who Jocelin was. It was easier to glaze over the idea of her, not that Jocelin figured she had as much to offer. 

She knew she was a pawn for perfection. She never said it, but she had long accepted it. 

« -- ❈ -- » 

Christmas came quietly, with no drawn-out anticipation. Especially now that it was just the three of them. This meant that the morning was met with a dreary sky, and the quiet opening of presents. Dilly had prepared a simple breakfast at her mother's request. The woman only brought out the lavishness of their lives when there was someone there to witness it. 

Jocelin sat by the fireplace, her eyes following the flames as she sipped on her pumpkin juice. Her mother had gifted her with some new dresses, her father had seemed to remember the books she wanted, and Jocelin pretended like they had sent the same things off to Delilah at Hogwarts. She made a note to get the family owl, Lovey, to take her gift to Delilah later that evening. It wasn't discouraged but...Jocelin felt as if it was better if no one knew.

"I'm going to see Regulus later." She prompted, looking up to meet the bored gaze of her father. Upon hearing those words, her mother stepped out from the study, peering down at her youngest daughter. 

"You're going over to the Blacks? Were you invited? Is this an event we should also prepare for?" 

"No, I just - Regulus invited me over." She nodded, not wanting to get her mother involved in any of this. Despite her family being secured in their status as one of the Sacred 28 and with their large amounts of inheritance, her mother seemed over enthusiastic in keeping that image and connections to the other families. 

"Well, do dress nicely. And send our well-wishes. You may take the floo network, or I'm sure Dilly could take you. Just make sure she behaves herself." With that Jocelin slipped from the family room up to her bedroom, where she spent too much time staring at her reflection trying to perfect the flaws she saw.

"Miss, Dilly can take you to Master Blacks house. Dilly must speak to Kreacher." The house-elf appeared, peaking into her room. Jocelin gave her a soft smile, straightening up and smoothing out her dress. Without even bidding her parents good-bye, she let Dilly take her hand and in a moment of dizziness they were standing outside of 12 Grimmauld Place. 

Dilly lead her up the steps and she reached out to knock lightly. Before her knuckles rapt for a second time the door swung open to Kreacher standing there, letting the two inside. 

Regulus greeted her at the stairs with a smile. 

"Happy Christmas Jocelin!" He waved for her to follow and she did. It felt just the same as it did when she was a kid. It had been a few years since her last visit, her parents electing to leave her at home with her "studies" whenever they went to the lavish dinner parties. Teenagers seemed to be detractor especially after their spells with Delilah. And so she followed him toward his room, her arms crossed tightly against her chest. 

The walls were covered with Slytherin regalia, in a way that seemed too proud for Regulus. 

"You should've seen Sirius's, full of red and gold of Gryffindor and of muggles. Disgusting really." He mumbled, falling onto the bed. Her eyes wandered, taking note of just how many articles he clipped out involved the Dark Lord. She had seen a similar array in her cousins house, though something about Regulus's seemed much more strategic. 

"I think my cousin, Augustus, wants to join Voldemort." Jocelin pointed out softly, eyes trailing over the Daily Prophet clippings before finding Regulus again. He raised an eyebrow at her, and she wondered if he was surprised by the information, or that Jocelin would state it so plainly. 

"He's not the only one, and that's no surprise really." No, it wasn't. Her eyes held steady on Regulus, taking in his statement. Did he want to join? It seemed reasonable, she knew his family enough to know how strict their beliefs were. Her own parents idolized the influence, purity, and focus that the Black family seemed to ooze. But Jocelin didn't want to be caught up on either side of a war. Not that she didn't believe in blood purity, that much seemed obvious to her. 

She didn't understand the necessity for bloodshed. For war. Couldn't they be more diplomatic about it? Surely her cousins, Violet and Vaughn, would be brilliant enough to pass decrees that ensured blood purity. Did she have to watch her best friend succumb to the salacious temptation of bloodlust the Dark Lord promised? Did she have to prepare herself for the inevitable tragedy of death that was bound to come, even if no one spoke about it? 

Instead she gave Regulus a bright smile, and turned away from the clippings instead admiring his décor. 

"Oh! I've brought you something." She remembered, pulling a small gift out of her bag and handing it over to him. He looked confused, but took it gingerly and sat back on his bed. Jocelin followed, settling next to him. 

"You shouldn't have." He looked at her sincerely, carefully undoing the wrapping. 

"It's Christmas! Open it already." She pointed out, nudging his arm slightly. His fingers slid along the wrapping smoothly, pulling it a part to reveal a small wooden box. She beamed down at it as he held it between his hands examining it closely. 

"There's uh, there's more inside." The words were soft, but enough to prompt him to open it. Inside sat a golden snitch nestled in velvet cushioning. 

"A snitch?" He questioned, looking up at her. 

"It's the first one you caught. Well, a replica of it. Madam Hooch wouldn't exactly release it to me." She murmured the last part and picked it up. 

"Remember? You held it so hard in you hand you were sure you would crush it. And uh..." She paused passing it to him. When it touched his palm a small script became visible on the underside. 

"You've charmed it to have a memory." He stated, pulling it closer to read the words _The Greatest Slytherin to have ever flown_. Words that had been chanted for Regulus after he won them the house cup. He beamed at her, a hand laying down on her thigh with a grateful pat. Her stomach fluttered again. 

"Well..." He pushed himself off his bed and crossed the room. Turning around he now held a package in his hands. "Good thing I got you a present as well." He placed it in her lap and watched her carefully.

Just as carefully she unwrapped the parchment to reveal a small cauldron. The inside held a silver glint that most didn't and she held it up to examine. 

"I-I know you're interested in alchemy." He admitted, and Jocelin blushed at the thought that he paid attention to those kinds of things. "It's a special edition cauldron, not sure if it would be allowed for classes next year but uh, it's charmed to resist scorching and is preferred for sensitive potions I read."

"This is probably the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. Thank you." She mused, looking up at him with delight. A comforting silence fell between them as they took in their gifts. 

Then he swallowed, slowly bringing his gaze back up to meet hers. Normally she would have shyly looked away, attempting to hide any hint that she had been caught staring. But not in this moment. Instead she braced herself as Regulus leaned in, a slow pace that seemed easy to miss if she hadn't been so caught up in it. 

All coherent thoughts left her mind, it was quiet for once in her life. 

"Regulus. Oh, Jocelin I wasn't aware you were here." Walburga's voice broke the spell from the doorway and the two immediately stood up from his bed. His usual pale skin was splotched pink, and Jocelin was sure her cheeks were an even deeper shade at this point. The Mistress looked over Regulus and then back to Jocelin, her eyes traveling up and down her body. If only the world could swallow her whole. 

"Happy Christmas Madam Black." Jocelin tried to smile, and the woman gave a curt nod. "My mother sent Dilly with some sweets for you. She was last in the kitchen with Kreacher I presume." She tried to ease the tension, but Walburga dismissed the notion altogether. 

"We're going to the Minister of Magic's house tomorrow night, so you'll need Kreacher to press your suit." Regulus nodded without another word, his body stiffening the longer his mother lingered just inside his room. 

"Happy Christmas Jocelin. I'll tell Kreacher to send you off with something as well." She turned to leave but paused, looking back at the two. "Oh, and tell your parents Orion and I would love to come over some time soon. Have them send an owl with an invite." She nodded, tucking away the information for her mother later. 

With her presence gone, the two seemed to relax looking at each other with a small chuckle. The moment had passed, and instead they avoided eye contact giggling at the ground like children. She couldn't help it, and instead glanced up at him trying not to notice the pink spreading across his cheeks. 

In an unusual moment of confidence Jocelin moved on an instinct. She stood up on her tiptoes, her hand resting on his shoulder as she quickly pressed a kiss to his cheek. It was a friendly kiss, but her lips burned at the contact. Her senses were filled with him, the scent of pine and wood with a hint of lemon. It was refreshing. 

"I should be going I suppose." She stepped back, collecting his present and her bag. Regulus nodded, a hand rubbing against the back of his neck as he stepped out of her way. 

"Uh, thank you for my present it's really better than anything I've received before." It meant something to her, it wasn't just another item someone thought she needed. 

"Happy Christmas Josi." 

"Happy Christmas Reg." She smiled and without even asking, Dilly was at her side taking the cauldron from her hands and leading her back out the door. 

Her thoughts kept replaying that moment over and over, so much so that when she arrived home it wasn't until much later that she remembered her message to her parents. 

« -- ❈ -- » 


	5. Five.

« -- ❈ -- » _**  
**_

_**[**_ '𝙲𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚞𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚞𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚜   
𝚂𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚏𝚞𝚗 **_]_**

_youth // daughter_

« -- ❈ -- » 

"You know Jocelin, I've always hoped you and Regulus would get together." Her mother admitted over dinner. To this Jocelin refused to lift her eyes. She didn't want to have this conversation, especially not the night before she was due back to school. 

"I've heard from Walburga that she's been pushing for Hettie Burke, or even Clare Rosier. You are friends with them correct?" Mira wanted to make sure that her daughter was friends with the right people, making the right moves at school. She would not make the same mistakes, not again. An anger and sadness Jocelin had never felt before wafted through her at the thought. She nodded, trying to will the conversation away. But it sat there in the middle of the table, mocking her. 

"Jocelin I think it would do you well to wise up and start pursuing. That Nott boy has potential." Her father stated, not looking up from the paper that sat in front of him. The unspoken words sat at the tip of all their tongues.

"I'm only fifteen." She mumbled, pushing her food around her plate. Did they even want to hear about her plans for the following year? How she was prepping for her O.W.L.S? How she hoped to take multiple N.E.W.T level courses? No, she knew that answer already. 

"Almost sixteen. I was with your father by then." Mira shot a look to her, and Jocelin's cheeks burned. 

"It's not like either of you really had a choice." It was no secret that their marriage had been for an allegiance, a status, pure-blood arrangement. Jocelin was easily subjected to the same fate, in fact she knew it was probably preferred. She could feel her mother's eyes boring into her skull and she continued to push her carrots with her fork. 

Because that's what mattered. Their bloodline, their legacy, their appearance. It wasn't that Jocelin didn't think those mattered, she did. But she also wanted to fall in love, to be with someone because they saw her for who she was, not solely for her name and blood. 

But she needed to find who she was first. 

"I don't think you need to worry too much Mira dear, Jocelin has proven herself to be useful. I think Walburga would approve enough." He stated presumptuously. It took everything for Jocelin to not just bolt from the table. Did they really have to discuss her love life as if it were a transaction in front of her like that? She knew she would make the right decisions in the end, the ones that aided her family and her future. But for now she just wanted to nurse her little crush and hope for the best. 

"What about Delilah?" The words hadn't been planned, but slipped from her mouth as a way to divert the attention away from her. 

Tension filled the air so thick that Jocelin thought she was going to choke. Her father took a long sip from his goblet, eyeing his wife momentarily. Mira placed her knife and fork gently on the plate eyes intentionally casting downwards and then to Jocelin. 

"She has made her own choices. Traitorous ones, and therefore she will no longer receive our help." The words were clipped, straight to the point. She wondered if it hurt her mother, if she questioned her actions about the way Delilah turned out. Not once had she seen her cry, speak out in rage, or give off any kind of emotion truly. That was all her father. 

"All because that stupid hat decided she belonged in Ravenclaw?" 

"She had a choice Jocelin." Her father piped up. _Did she have a choice? Truly? Did any of them?_

"Will she ever be welcomed home again?"

"The invitation is always there, Delilah knows this. She just has to make some changes first." 

Her father gave no further comment, but Jocelin knew his face would be red, his hands quaking. Mira had easily moved on from her eldest daughter, and Jocelin couldn't figure out if he was angry for what this did to his family, or that he knew he was actively losing a child. 

"Is Miss Jocelin done?" Dilly interrupted and looked up with wide eyes as Jocelin continued to just push her food around her plate. 

"Here Dilly." She nudged the plate over to the house-elf who took it quickly. 

" _Dilly!_ Don't interrupt us, we will let you know when we are ready for you to clear the table. Now return Jocelin her plate." Her father eyed the house-elf, his anger deflecting to her and away from the conversation at hand. 

"It's fine, truly. I'm finished." Jocelin insisted already pushing back from the table. 

"You go when we say you go." Her mother's voice was strict and Jocelin hesitated. 

Delilah would have gone off in a silent huff, as she had witnessed many times even when they were young. She always stated what was on her mind and wasn't afraid of the look in their mother's eye. But those actions resulted in her current predicament. Jocelin's hands were placed on the table as she contemplated her choice. She could follow Delilah, storm out of the room and lock herself away until it was time to leave for the train. But the idea of doing something so unpredictable, so displeasing to her parents frightened her. 

After a moment she pulled her chair closer to the table again, her hands folding in her lap until she waited for her parents to finish. Silence accompanied the rest of the evening.

« -- ❈ -- » 

It was just her luck that the first person she would run into upon her return to school was her sister. She was almost unrecognizable, dawning a pair of wide-legged jeans and a top that revealed her midriff. Jocelin was shocked. It was quite the opposite of her own modest look of tights and turtlenecks, the staple of her family.

"I was just on my way to find you." Delilah stated evenly, keeping a few steps away from her younger sister. 

"And you did." Jocelin nodded. She wanted to ask if she had received the pendant, the one she had sent for Christmas. Jocelin had found it in a trinket shop in Hogsmeade and thought it was perfect for her sister, a silver eagle charm. It seemed lovely for a necklace, but she didn't notice it on her sister and wondered if maybe she had tossed it aside.

"Did you have a lovely Christmas?" 

The question caused something to shift and Delilah closed the gap between them. Her eyes were wild, rage and sorrow filling them. Jocelin gasped as she grabbed her hand to pry open her fingers. 

She shoved the pendant into it, chest heaving with adrenaline. 

"I don't need your pity and I don't need whatever charm you put on this from the parents." Jocelin was taken aback, looking at the small charm in her palm. 

"I did no such th -" 

"Just shut it Jocelin, you do everything they say. You're the perfect Avery. Why would I believe that you would send me a Christmas gift that wasn't directed by Mira and Angus? I know they told you to keep your distance from me." 

"That's not-" 

"I had Marlene look it over, I know it was bewitched to listen in on me." 

Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. 

"I would-" 

"Oh _sod off_ with this innocent act you play Jocelin. I know you're just like mother. All concerned with purity and appearance. Did she tell you to do this? Or was it a brilliant idea from your dear father." The words were harsh, sneering at her. Her teeth dug into her bottom lip to will the tears from falling. Delilah stepped back in disgust, hands wiping over her top as if to wipe Jocelin from her.

"I want nothing from our family." Her eyes narrowed as they trailed up and down her before she turned back down the hallway.

Jocelin thought she had been so sneaky with the pendant, kept it hidden away in her trunk until Christmas so she could send it to Delilah without interruption. 

_Had her parents gone through her things? Had they charmed the pendant knowing her intentions? Or were they trying to watch her?_ There would be no way to convince Delilah it hadn't been her intention, she was as thick headed as their own mother. She swiped at the tears that dared to fall and kept her head down the rest of the way to the dungeons. 

Now the crackling of the fire was the only comfort she could find in the moment. Jocelin faced it completely, her legs pulled into the worn leather chair with her. Her eyes followed the flames that licked the side of the fireplace, trying to forget her encounter with Delilah. 

"Jo, I've been looking for you, you are never going to believe what happened." Hettie rushed the words out, already plopping onto the ottoman that was just out of Jocelin's reach. Slowly she turned to glance over a her best friend, keeping her features smooth for the sake of composure. Still the brunette rushed on, hands exaggerating parts of the story that Jocelin paid no mind to. The words weren't registering, and so she nodded every so often, quietly sucking in the breaths to sustain her. Inside her heart began to race, the anxiety pulsing through her yet again. Hettie paid no mind to the way Jocelin would divert her gaze back to the fire attempting to find the sliver of solace she had in grasp before Hettie's interruption. Instead she continued on with her drama, pausing only to hear Jocelin's response.

Her mouth went dry as she searched for anything to appease her friend, to at least look like she had been listening. Her skin tightened against her bones, her hands drawing themselves up her arms as if to help shed the feeling off.

"Uh." She paused.

"How are you still cold by the fire?" Hettie questioned, eyes narrowing at her friend. The chair seemed to swallow her whole.

"I-I just am, why do you think I'm here to begin with?" She mused, eyes pulling away from Hettie again as she pushed her back back deeper into the chair. Her friend gave her a meaningful glance before popping up from the ottoman.

"I'm off to find my dear ole' cousin now. Mum thinks he's fallen for a half-blood and I must set him straight. Come find me later so I can tell you all about how much he cried." She beamed practically skipping away. Jocelin let out a breath, trying to not acknowledge her shaking hands as she clutched her arms closer, instead turning back to the flames. There was something so soothing about fire, a grounding place for her. She could be lost there forever.

"You look troubled." 

She didn't no how long it had been since Hettie left, but she found herself relaxing at his voice. 

"Anything you'd like to talk about?" 

She shrugged, eyes still studying the flames carefully. 

"I ran into Delilah." 

"Ah." 

Regulus understood without another word, and instead took the chair next to her. His hand reached out, palm open and draped across the arms of the chairs, as if waiting patiently for Jocelin's. 

With only a second of hesitation, she placed her hand in his. He squeezed it reassuringly, his thumb rubbing comfortingly across her knuckles. Maybe she hadn't dreamt that moment in his bedroom, that the secret brushes of their skin and lingering glances did in fact mean something.

Her eyes slowly trailed away from the fire to glance at Regulus. He had propped open a book on his lap and was diligently reading it. She contemplated bringing up Christmas, wondering if he had brought her present back with him or kept it in his room. She wanted to ask if he had intended to kiss her, if that was a result of the moment or something he truly wanted. 

But she remained silent, instead taking the time to admire him as he read. 

The common room door opened and immediately Joceling pulled her hand from his. Regulus didn't look up, instead he gingerly placed his hand back in his lap. 

"Jocelin, Regulus." Augustus looked at them with a half-smile and she wondered if he had seen it. 

"Avery, Severus." There was an air of tension that Jocelin couldn't name. Something had happened, she didn't know it yet. But there wasn't much that Jocelin couldn't figure out with just simply closing her mouth and waiting. 

People tended to forget that she was there. The three boys casted looks between each other, silence as their chosen language. She watched carefully, Regulus's lips twitched but he held a steady and stern gaze focused solely on her cousin. Severus nodded between the two, his dark hair shading most of his face, while Augustus seemed a bit more disturbed. What it was she couldn't figure, but knew there would be dire consequences. There were always consequences. 

"I'll see you two later for dinner. Come on Severus you must show me what you worked on over holiday." He clapped the other on the shoulder and they disappeared towards their rooms. Regulus let out a breath, his eyes casting over to her. There was something working behind his eyes and she wanted nothing more to know it. 

"Thanks Reg. For being there." She turned to him with a small smile, the sorrow a little lighter now in her chest. He met her eyes with the same look. It seemed to melt away the rest of the tension that had been left. 

"Of course, you would do the same." The fire seemed to warm her more fully this time as she faced it again, her finger tracing her lips as she contemplated the moments that had just passed. 

Things were changing faster than she had anticipated.

« -- ❈ -- » 


	6. Six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the views/kudos so far! I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

« -- ❈ -- » _**  
**_

_**[**_ 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚊 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚑𝚢 _ **]**_

_sleeping on the blacktop // colter wall_

« -- ❈ -- » 

Even in his dreams he couldn't find comfort. There weren't windows to stream in sunlight like most the other houses - and briefly he wondered if this contributed to the darkness of his dreams. 

Turning over Regulus let out a sigh as he debated falling back to sleep or not. The other boys in the room stirred, as if facing the same dilemma. If his dreams offered more solace he would gladly return to them, but they didn't. So he parted the drapes around his bed and made peace with being an early riser. 

It seemed that he wasn't alone. It was just a quarter to six and as he entered the common room, being sure to straighten his robes he was surprised to see Augustus Avery facing the fire, eyes blank towards the flames. What was it with these Avery's and fire? 

"G'morning Avery." Regulus called out, startling the sixth year who gave a nod, making sure he tugged down the his sleeves so they touched the center of his palms. It was simple gesture that wasn't missed by the young Black. There were more instances of those movements in his life these days. A wave of pride and fear followed, it was a good thing right? For them all to be making the _brave_ and _right_ choices in life. Hell, maybe they should have been Gryffindor's after all. But the thought of dawning gold and scarlet was enough to make his stomach turn. 

"Have a good Christmas Black?" Avery finally replied, his eyes drifting to the empty chair at his side. Taking the invitation Regulus seated himself in it. 

"Quite so, as good as it is at ours anyway." He mused with a half-smile. Good was not a word he would choose to describe his life at home. "Yourself?"

"Yes." The other nodded curtly, leaning back into the chair and propping his ankle across his knee. Words didn't have to be exchanged to know what was happening, what Avery was doing. None of them talked about it much, it was too dangerous. By all accounts they weren't supposed to _know_ anything. Regulus knew what he was and what he was to do, Avery would be the same. But even behind the masks of silence, there was no denying the truth. 

"Ran into your cousin, Bellatrix, she and Rodolphus seem to be well off. Will you be at the wedding?" It seemed like a simple enough coincidence, their families talked and frequented the same places. But Regulus glanced back at the sleeve that Avery pulled down yet again and knew better than to probe further. One day, one day he would. 

"Unfortunately she has a funny sense of humor and has planned it in the midst of our O.W.Ls. Have to make sure I bring home a satisfactory amount." That was the only explanation that was needed. 

"Right then." The silence was comfortable enough, and Regulus figured it would be best to write home soon, his mother would have more than enough to say about everything happening. 

Slowly more early risers began to mingle down toward the common room, some taking the time to do a bit of studying, others milling about as their friends wandered down and they would head off to breakfast together. Regulus didn't know who he was waiting for, perhaps it was Hettie and Jocelin, though he knew it would be much longer having to wait on the former. Maybe it was for Avery to head off to the Great Hall, or he could trail along with Silas and Henry. Still, Regulus remained rooted in the chair, watching the slow trickle of students rise from the dormitories. 

Severus walked in, stalking like he usually did. It seemed fucked really, that he had more contact through a stupid rivalry with his brother than he did. Though he supposed he should stop thinking of Sirius as a brother, it was clear he didn't anymore. Avery cleared his throat at Snape's presence, moving to join him in silence. He turned and gave Regulus a small nod before they disappeared from his sight. 

Just as he resigned that he should too in fact make it to breakfast before he would be forced into another dull conversation with the youngest Greengrass whom he could already hear from the hallway, Jocelin appeared. She somehow looked put together and wildly startled in the same moment. He gave a small smile, glad to see it reciprocated. 

It was her eyes, the way they would often survey the rooms quickly and frequently, a layer of bewilderment under each action. He briefly wondered what was the cause of this, if there was ever a moment she held nothing but calm. But he knew her, and her parents, and doubted that it was a possibility. 

"Good morning Reg." She smiled, her arms clutched tightly across her.

"Morning Josi." He tried not to notice the pink tinge on her cheeks and instead rose to meet her as she approached. 

"I was just headed down for breakfast, care to join? We both know we probably won't see Het until Potions." He added in hopes of convincing her to join. Jocelin's eyes glanced back towards her dormitory and he thought that she would make an excuse of having to wake Hettie or needing to do some work, but instead she nodded and lead them both towards the exit. 

He thought about Augustus and wondered if Jocelin knew. It was inevitable that she would, it was her cousin after all. And he'd been hearing things about her own father. Would she make the same choices? 

A thought crossed his mind, not really a thought actually, it was more of a wish. 

That she wouldn't, that she would continue on without having to join them. 

But he shook that thought, she would in some way or other. It was only right and fitting, and Jocelin always did the right and expected thing. If anything she was more predictable than even him. His eyes dropped to her forearm, before meeting her eyes again with a smile. Hers was small, silent and kind beyond measure. In some ways he felt as if his heart could break looking at her. Or maybe he knew that it was hers.

« -- ❈ -- »

Regulus hated practice in the cold and wind. It hurt his hands and made things more miserable than they already were. But Henry was dead-set on beating Gryffindor this year, and they still had a good chance for the Quidditch Cup if things worked out in their favor. 

It was just their luck that the Gryffindor's were running over practice. His eyes narrowed as he watched Potter, circling with a beautiful swiftness that seemed to be art in the form of a sport. There was no denying he was talented on the broom, but Regulus would never admit it. No, his hatred for James Potter went beyond House Rivalry, it was set in his bones. 

"We've got the pitch." Henry called out to James, the celebrate captain. He seemed annoyed by their presence, as if they hadn't already been approved for this practice. Slytherin's were much better at time management it seemed. 

"We only need five more minutes." He steered himself down to face Henry, keeping his distance. Regulus wanted to glare at him, to feel the hatred that was settled deep in his blood. But instead he remained stone face, there was hardly anyone worthy of knowing his true thoughts. 

"And it's our time. Sod off." Henry punctured his words, already mounting his broom and nodding to Nott and Greengrass to follow suit. 

"Guess we won't need to return the equipment then." Potter shrugged, making the conscious choice not to fight back and instead directed his team off the field. The quaffle fell with a soft thud while the bludgers and snitch still swarmed mindlessly in the air. 

"Go get them you lot, then we can discuss drills and strategy." Henry pointed at the field, and with ease Regulus rose in the air, his hands gripped tightly against the front of the broom as he scanned the field. The beaters, Nott and Greengrass batted them easily to Henry who wrestled them to the ground and back into the crate so they wouldn't have to worry about them knocking any of them off during strategy sessions. 

Slowly he circled the top of the pitch looking for it, not really caring that he was missing Henry's monotone voice depicting everything they needed to win. What he needed to do was get the snitch. 

His thoughts wandered about wondering if his parents would ever make it to a game, if they even cared that Regulus had not only made seeker in his second year, but that he was bloody good at it. They held all sort of pride for him in front of others, doting on the proper Slytherin boy, he was on the Quidditch team, he got high marks (though it was noted they were not the highest), and had a great deal of loyalty for the family. All of which was true, but there lacked a bit of sincerity from them in their praise. It was also for the sake of someone else, and never in their private moments of a family. As if who he was didn't matter if no one was around to notice it. 

A yell from below broke his attention and the team was pointing toward the goal, where the snitch fluttered above like a nervous bird. He leaned forward quickly into the broom and it took off with ease, his arm outstretched and he got the snitch with an ease he wished was possible during the game. 

Though there was a bit of a thrill just barely missing the snitch with just the brush of your fingertips forcing the scout for it to begin all over again. 

The snitch closed as he flew down and tossed it to Henry who placed it back in the box, flashing Regulus an annoyed look for how long that had taken him. He gave a simple shrug of his shoulders, not really caring how it bothered him. 

Per that, practice was brutal. Henry was not going to be made a fool by the Gryffindor team and made that known. Already he could feel his muscles already aching and mentally kicked himself for not keeping up with more drills over the holiday. 

"We've got a morning practice tomorrow, alternating between mornings and evenings until the final game. You best not be late." Henry called out as he lead the team toward the changing rooms, actively ignoring the groans from the group. It was harsh and painful, but it kept Regulus preoccupied and for that he was grateful. 

He just couldn't wait to see the look on Potter's face when he caught the snitch and won the game. 

As they strolled across the field Regulus was surprised to see Hettie waiting by the changing rooms. He could only guess it was either to tell off Henry, something he knew she found quite a lot of joy in, or swoon over Nott, the two having become acquainted by their parents over the holiday. 

But instead she stepped in front of him before he could enter. All thoughts of winning the Quidditch cup left his mind as he approached her.

"Het, get out of my way." He looked down at her confused, but she stood firmly, eyes as icy as ever. 

"Oi, Hettie let him through, we have to go over some things and the bloke's got to change." Henry called out, obviously annoyed by her presence altogether. 

"He'll be right in." She replied sharply as she refused to break her gaze with him. Realizing it would be better to get through whatever tangent she had in mind over with, Regulus leaned against the wooden paneling of the pitch, waiting for whatever she had in mind. 

"I want you to walk me back to the castle after practice." The words sounded rehearsed. 

"Is that what you came all this way down to do? Have me walk you back up the grounds?"

"I want to talk to about my trip to Belgium. And Jocelin." He paused. 

"Why?"

"Do I really have to spell it out for you?" Her auburn hair swayed behind her shoulders just ever so lightly as she rolled her eyes, trying to keep whatever calm she had together. 

"Why Belgium?"

"I just wanted to see about a few things, it was quite noted that your family didn't take a holiday. Your cousins had a lovely time at their estate, as did the Nott's and some of the Avery's. Seemed suspicious that your family wasn't present, neither was Jocelin and her parents." 

There were a million explanations for it, but it seemed ridiculous to argue with Hettie, especially in that moment. 

"My father hasn't been suited to travel much recently. And what comes of it anyway?" 

"I just want to know that's all. Anyway, go in there and change and walk me back. I hope this makes Alexander a bit jealous as well." Her eyes twinkled again, despite Regulus not having officially agreed. He pushed past her and into the changing rooms. Henry droned on about the strategy for the morning as they changed, Nott being the first out trying to convince Hettie to walk with him as she insisted she had already promised Regulus her time. If any couple was suited together in pettiness and sheer ambition, it was Alexander and Hettie. 

Slowly he walked back to greet her, the soreness settling in his muscles as they walked past the pitch. 

"First, I want to say I had a wonderful time in Belgium. Became quite close to the Nott's and your cousins. Met a very special guest that I-" Hettie rambled in her usual fashion, not quite caring that someone might overhear her. It was almost as if she wanted them to. Quickly he gripped her arm and squeezed it tightly, shutting her up for a brief moment. 

"OW! Reggie, that bloody hurts!" She cried snatching her arm away. 

"Just don't be so loud Het." He mumbled, eyes casting the ground. She let out a sigh. 

"Of course you want to be so secretive, though really you should get your cousin to introduce you. She would be more than delighted, her and Rodolphus are in good graces. Bellatrix is practically perfect, smart, beautiful, ambitious..." 

"If you fancy her, you might still be able to break up that engagement." He chuckled, trying to gloss over the seriousness of Hettie's words. He knew all of this of course, Bellatrix made sure to keep in close contact. He just kept his cards closer to him than she did. 

"I don't. Besides, it's her connections that are so...delightful." Regulus wanted that kind of praise, but not from Hettie. No, it meant almost nothing coming from her. Hettie admired anyone she thought could get her further in life, not really caring if it was true or not. He wanted the genuine adoration and praise from his family, his cousins and his parents, even Kreacher. And a soft part hidden under it all wanted it from Jocelin. 

"You think I don't know?" Regulus shot a sideways glance at her as they trailed the path up towards the castle. He noted that every so often Nott would glance back at the two of them casually. 

"No, I just think you should utilize them more that's all. I have, so has Augustus, and Henry. Nott surely will soon, and I bet when he graduates and is away from that mudblood Evans, Severus will too." Hettie listed, having everything planned in her mind. Regulus doubted she was wrong, if Hettie Burke was good at anything, it was figuring out people's desires and manipulating them. It was quite impressive to watch at times. 

"Who says I haven't?" He muttered, ignoring the look Hettie shot him. 

"What about Jocelin?" Her voice got quieter. He doubted that she would follow in the same steps as her father, that she would be much more passive in her approach to times coming.

"You know her, terrified of a fly. She'll probably just do whatever her parents tell her too, especially since Delilah is completely..." He paused, insulting Delilah like that was the same as insulting Sirius. Hettie waited for him to finish. 

"Mental?" She offered lowly. He gave no response. 

By now they found themselves in the courtyard, moving towards the dungeons with the rest of the Quidditch team and straggling students. 

"Well, either way. I think we are all off to do wonderful things, don't you think Reg?" She smiled her hand reaching up to squeeze his bicep. Of course they were, this was what was wanted, what was necessary. Hogwarts provided some escape from the reality of the world, of their world. But not enough to pull him completely from it. 

He knew what was going to happen, they all did. For some it was out of genuine love and infatuation, other's it was loyalty, some deeply believed in the rhetoric. He couldn't decide what his was. Possibly a mix of above with a dash of pride. 

All he wanted was others to be proud of him, to do something that mattered and accomplish _something_. 

He just wanted to be remembered if he boiled it down. But instead he bottled it up, kept everything hidden away and gave Hettie a reassuring nod as they entered the common room, the sad eyes of Jocelin Avery glancing at Hettie's hand on his arm before offering them both a warm smile. 

« -- ❈ -- » 


	7. Seven.

**_[_** 𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛   
𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 **_]_**

_all the pretty girls // kaleo_

« -- ❈ -- » 

Whatever high hopes Jocelin had for the spring seemed to be falling apart with each passing day. She was readily ignored by the professors she so dearly wanted approval from, and Regulus had gotten too busy with his own family, coursework and quidditch to be around as much as she would have liked. Though any amount of time with him wouldn't be enough for her. 

Hettie, on the other hand, was always around. Maybe even too much. 

"I know your secrets Jocelin." She nudged her, the words a whisper to keep from attracting Slughorn's attention. Her eyes darted across the room to where Regulus sat with Alexander and Clare. All three were peering quizzically into their cauldron, a light blue smoke wafting over them instead of the deep purple that was needed.

"What secrets?" Jocelin shot back, attempting to keep herself from glancing Regulus's way. 

"That you've got it bad for a certain Seeker. I bet if you asked for a private quidditch lesson he would happily oblige." Hettie winked, satisfied with how uncomfortable she had made Jocelin. The girl, flushed with embarrassment, reached for a vile of beetle eyes and poured out what she needed.

"I can fly just fine on my own." 

"But you don't have to. You're an Avery, he's a Black. It makes perfect sense. You would have the cutest curly headed babies, with strange names. It's a match made in heaven." She drowned on, having stopped pretending to attempt the task in front of them. 

"And you're going to sit there and tell me you're not interested?" Jocelin refused to look as the words slipped through her lips. She could easily picture the smirk that rarely left her friend's lips.

"I never said I wasn't, but in case you didn't know there has been a bit of scandal with Henry. He'll straighten out soon enough. In the meantime my parents have...suggested I become _acquainted_ with Alexander Nott." She shrugged, but was much more elated by that idea than Jocelin would have been. 

"Really?"

"You act so shocked, you know what it's like. I'm surprised your father didn't create a marriage contract on the day of your birth." It was so nonchalant out of her mouth. Jocelin couldn't help but tense at the thought. So much of her fate was already decided for her, she wished this would be one she could control. 

"I know. I'm not stupid." 

"Never said you were. A bit dimwitted at times, but either way. The Notts joined us on holiday and I can confidently say Alexander and I got on quite well." Her eyes narrowed at the statement. Jocelin swallowed, heat rising through her cheeks. 

"You should be more modest about it Het you -"

"I think you should stop being such a prude and take a chance Jo. As in get fucked." 

"Hettie I-" 

"I promise you, Regulus wants to shag you just as badly." She winked, flipping through the pages of the potion book much to their own detriment. Jocelin was shocked into silence, frozen as she tried to will herself to complete the potion. 

"Ah, Mr. Black, Ms. Rosier, and Mr. Nott. It seems you have added a bit too much of an ingredient, try to see if you can fix it." Slughorn nodded as he peeked at their cauldron. She gave him a small smile when he glanced there way, proud of her own progress thus far. Hettie huffed loudly next to her, carelessly glancing at the supplies that had been gathered. 

"This class is such a bore." She bemoaned uncorking a small vile of leech juice. 

"We only need just a dr-" Before Jocelin could correct her, she had poured in plenty more than a drop. The liquid began to swirl in their cauldron and they both looked in it cautiously. With a small pop a green smoke puffed above it, releasing a stench so awful that Jocelin almost hurled onto the floor. 

"Oh dear, yes this is mistake that can happen. Must follow directions more carefully next time Ms. Burke and Ms. Avery. We seem to be running out of time anyway. Make sure to check on your potions this week as they brew, fix the mistakes you may have made. We will be testing them next week." He waved his wand to clean up a few of the messes that had spilt from the students. Jocelin peered into her own cauldron, heart dropping at the mistake that had been made.

"We can fix it later Jo." Hettie looked annoyed, sloppily putting the ingredients back that they had taken out. 

"I can fix it now I think. Pass me some honey please." She flicked through the potions book and sighed with a bit of satisfaction, hoping it would work. One of the textbooks told her that honey could neutralize leech juice, and she hoped it would work well enough. With a loud gripe Hettie agreed and walked to the shared cabinet to look for the jar. Her feet dragged loudly against the stone floor. The bells were ringing now and their peers leaving their cauldrons with different colored smoke circling them. 

Across the room Clare and Alexander had abandoned their potion, probably hoping Regulus would magically fix it on his own. But he wasn't staring at his cauldron. 

"Here, now hurry up. I want to claim my seat in the common room before some seventh year tries to argue with me." Hettie huffed, leaning against the table. 

Ignoring her, she carefully unscrewed the lid and dipped her pinky into the sweet substance. 

"Are you mad? That's-" 

"Let me fix your mistake in silence please." 

Scooping out the proper amount, Jocelin figured she would have more control this way. She held it delicately over the swirling liquid and watched as one, two drops slowly dripped off her finger. Her ladle gave another good mix as she watched satisfied when the smoke turned into a deep purple, the stench fading completely. 

"Piss off you teacher's pet. Now let's go." Hettie was already capping the honey and grabbing her things. Glancing up she met Regulus's gaze with a smile, her heart knocking when he returned it. 

"How much will I owe you to help me fix this one?" He nodded toward his own cauldron that was still admitting the blue smoke. 

"Galleons cannot buy her brilliant mind today my dear boy. She's with me don't you know?" Hettie called out, grabbing Jocelin's arm and pulling her towards the exit. 

"Catch you at dinner!" Jocelin offered with a wave as she allowed herself to continue to be pulled into the corridor. Her skin was flushed with pride, and a bit of hope. She turned to Hettie with a small giggle, who only wiggled her eyebrows in response.

"Burke." Nott called a few meters from where with a smirk and a wave. Hettie smiled and shot another glance to Jocelin. 

"You don't need me there to help Regulus fix his potion do you?" She glanced away to hide the blush that crept up her cheeks. Hettie leaned into her friend again. 

"You've got to take control of your own life Jocelin. Or you'll always be stuck cleaning up the messes." It seemed like a statement of goodwill, but she felt something begin to break as her friend turned away to saunter off with the boy. She glanced back at the potions classroom, but did not dare turn back for it and instead walked alone towards the library.

« -- ❈ -- » 

It wasn't time for mail, yet it was clearly her family owl dropping into the Great Hall at dinner a few days later. Jocelin watched it carefully as it swooped in, the spotted brown head dipping below the floating candles. It was heading towards the Ravenclaw table. She watched as it carelessly drop the pink letter from it's beak into Delilah's food before sweeping over toward Jocelin. 

Lovey landed gracefully next to her plate with it's leg extended, a white note neatly tied to it's leg. 

"Jo." Hettie elbowed her ribs hard, pointing toward where her sister sat. "Delilah's got a howler, this ought to be good." 

But howlers only made her stomach turn, even those directed at complete strangers. They were nothing to be taken lightly in her book. 

"DELILAH EVELYN AVERY!" It screamed in her father's voice. The brunette remained still faced to it, those around her wincing at the volume of it. Jocelin's fingers fumbled over the parchment tied to Lovey's leg. She seemed to be becoming impatient with her. 

"FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO COME HOME THIS SUMMER. I HAVE HAD THE LAST OF YOUR ANTICS AND PLEADING. YOU ARE NOT TO ATTEND THE WEDDING WITH US. YOU ARE NOT TO SPEAK WITH US. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL NO LONGER BE PUTTING THE AVERY NAME AT RISK WITH SUCH DISTASTE. NO CHILD OF MINE HAS THE RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY. YOU HAVE BECOME SUCH A DISGRACE. DO. NOT. COME. HOME." The whole hall was watching, a feat that Jocelin was crumbling under. Regulus glanced over at her as she sent Lovey off again, trying to smooth out her own parchment. 

The howler shredded itself up in Delilah's food. Her face was calm as she glanced down. 

"Looks like I'm free boys." She laughed, clapping the girl next to her on the back. 

Jocelin tried not to feel the sting as her eyes tore over her own letter. 

_Jocelin,_

_You are not to speak to your sister any longer. As she has made it clear that she does not want to be a part of this family, we will treat her as such. Let us know if there is any information we may need to know about her habits, whereabouts, or general behavior. Especially that of which is deeply unsettling and degrading to the Avery name. We wish you luck on your upcoming O.W.L.S. Give Augustus and Silas our best wishes as well._

_Angus & Mira _

_Please note we will be attending Narcissa and Lucius wedding as the three of us. Please try to find something suitable to wear if you are able. If not your mother will make sure you do._

"Right." She mumbled, curling it back up and quickly shoving it into the pocket of her robes. 

"Honestly, I believed your dad should have done that a lot sooner than he did. Serves her right." Hettie shrugged, taking a bit of her roll and tossing it onto Jocelin's plate. Her skin was hot, prickling against the stares she knew were pointed her way. It wasn't just a Delilah problem, but an _Avery_ issue. It was her sister after all. How had they ended up so differently?

"Everyone will forget about it soon. We know how many howler's Sirius received from mother. His final one after he wrote home that he was no longer returning was twice as bad." Regulus whispered, and Jocelin felt herself relax. Within a day or two something else had happened that captured the schools attention. 

But this was so final for her. Her sister was no longer welcomed home. She was forbidden to even speak to her. Not that they did much anyway. After that confrontation in the hallway over the charm Jcoelin had done everything she could to avoid her sister, knowing she would be met only with piercing gazes and silence. 

Everyone continued their chatter around her, gossiping about the traitor Delilah Avery was, comparing her to Sirius Black and the like, before quickly moving on to complaining about their charms coursework or the projections for the house cup. Jocelin just stared down at her own plate, the note heavy in her pocket with the consequences of what would happen if she were ever to disobey. She doubted it would take seven years for her to finally be cut off, not after her parents realized the mistake they made not doing it sooner to their eldest. 

It took a moment for her to realize that Regulus had inched his way closer to her, his fingers pinching softly on the sleeve of her robe. Her eyes trailed over his fingers and down his forearm, hoping to follow the line toward his eyes. But they held steady at his plate and then across to another where he offered a small laugh. She let her own hand fall from where it was steadily resting on the table into her lap, not a moment later Regulus's fingers had slide to intertwine with hers, giving a reassuring squeeze. Her heart seized in her chest and she busied herself with another spoonful of potatoes, her eyes scanning the sea of students for her sister. She had since gone, and in that small moment of loss, she squeezed his hand back. It did not take away from the heaviness of the note, or the expectations of her blood, and she figured both would be flushed with embarrassment if Hettie happened to look over the table and see their entangled fingers. But for a moment it eased something, and that was all she needed.

« -- ❈ -- » 


	8. Eight.

« -- ❈ -- » **_  
_**

**_[_** 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 **_]_**

_devil's spoke // laura marling_

« -- ❈ -- » 

The sign was posted for the Hogsmeade sign-up, the last one of the year. Quickly the third year's jotted down their names. Everyone else waited lazily; exams were soon approaching and no one really had the time to spare from studying to go to a town that had lost its sparkle after the third trip. 

Still, Jocelin craved a nice warm butterbeer, and figured she could find a nice gift or dress for Narcissa and Lucius's wedding that summer. In reality, she just wanted a distraction, from school, her sister, her parents, all of it. Hogsmeade seemed like the perfect one.

Part of her hoped she could convince Regulus to join her on the trip. But as fate had it, he declined to go as he argued that he desperately needed to start studying. So Jocelin went alone, unable to tear Hettie off of Alexander for the walk down. 

She figured it would be best to head into The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, and maybe she could take to some leisurely reading in the corner to spend a bit of time before browsing for a dress. She turned into the pub, delighted with her plan. It was then that she noted just how poor her luck was, because huddled in the corner she had wanted to cozy up in was none other than her sister, Marlene, Sirius, and Remus. Potter and Pettigrew were notably missing from the foursome, as well as few others Jocelin knew Delilah hung around but tried not to pay much attention to. It only hurt. Her face fell as the sight and she instinctively hugged her arms around her, wishing to disappear into the small crowd of people.

Somehow she approached that side of the bar, feeling her sisters piercing stare upon the back of her neck. _Please don't talk to me, you never do_. She begged in her mind, wishing for some power of legilimency to keep her away. 

"Jocelin." There it was, sisters voice. It was calm, but defiant as if daring her to turn around. She did, only to have Sirius meet her with gritted teeth. It was obviously that Delilah was testing her, prodding at the instructions given to her, not even needing the note to know what Mira and Angus would say to Jocelin. She smiled at her younger sister and she was frozen in place. Delilah was just baiting her. At that, Jocelin barely noticed as Marlene pulled her hand away from Delilah, dropping it in her lap instead. 

She kept her eyes on Sirius, wanting to tell him that Regulus missed him, that he told Kreacher to give him updates on him. That they could still make up, that Regulus wasn't who everyone thought he was. That he could come back. That she could come back. If they just accepted what they were told. 

But instead she looked at them, unmoving, knowing her eyes were glossy with the same sad startled look they always held. Delilah always made it a point to tease her for it. 

"Didn't think I would see you here Delilah." She managed out, but two sets of eyes continued to pierce her skin. Marlene seem preoccupied with studying Delilah and Remus gazed down at his hands not wanting to bother with any of it. 

"I got the note from father." She knew, everyone knew. It was no secret before the howler and it definitely wasn't answer.

"About?"

"I am not to appear at that awfully boring wedding between Malfoy and Narcissa. Nor am I invited back home." Her voice was lofty, mocking her father's yelling. Jocelin wanted to take the time to peer into her sister's mind to see if that was truly how she felt or if it stung in the slightest. 

"I didn't think you would be coming back anyway. Considering." Jocelin nodded curtly, trying not to reveal that all she wanted was some resemblance of her sister back, that she couldn't stand another summer alone in silence. The screaming would be better than that at this point. She was reminded of her own letter, that she was breaking her parents rules. It was all just a wasteful hope at this point.

They stared at each other, the air growing colder around them minute by minute. Finally Jocelin found the courage to turn, only to hear the cracked words of Sirius calling out. 

"You tell that git they call my brother to stop with the secret notes. He's an embarrassment, and I want nothing to do with him." She paused, wanting to turn around and cry out to him. To all of them, didn't they see what they were doing? Tearing families apart? Leaving their younger siblings to fend for themselves? To somehow fill _all_ of the family expectations? 

She didn't. In the corner she heard Hettie's loud shriek and glanced over. The auburn witch had her head thrown back in laughter as Augustus sat to the side of her. She beelined toward them, to the comfort and protection they could offer her. 

"Oof that was brutal Jo." Augustus shook his head, eyes narrowed across the bar towards his cousin.

"Want me to send a quick little hex over there?" Hettie smirked, leaning across the table. Jocelin shook her head furiously, the last thing she wanted was to cause a bigger scene. 

"No, no." Her hand waved it away as if it was nothing, as if they meant nothing. 

"Has Reggie really been sending Sirius secret notes?" Hettie leaned in to meet Jocelin's face, keen to get to the bottom of all the drama. 

"Why would I know this?"

"You two are...close are you not?" Her stomach flipped and she straightened up on the stool. The other two had half-empty drinks settled in front of them, and Jocelin realized that she had failed to order her own. 

"Jo let me get your drink. I owe you anyway." Augustus offered already pushing himself away from the table and towards the bar, careful in his step at the care of others. 

"Listen, Jocelin Avery. I know you fancy our little noble." She teased, nudging her with her elbow. It was the same as earlier that week in potions, she was becoming relentless. While Jocelin was sure Marlene and Delilah giggled to each other over boys, she figured James and Sirius at the center of it, she had never found much joy in that. Not that she had ever been light-hearted and silly, her parents left heavy waves in her soul. And Hettie seemed to soak up all the fun on her own. 

"We're just friends Het." The vision of them in the doorway, her hand wrapped tightly around Regulus's bicep, his hair still windswept from the practice and his cheeks the rosy tinge of pink, her heart thudded even harder in her chest. She swore Hettie could hear it. 

"Sure, friends. Who talk quietly in corners, pass secret looks. I haven't noticed at all." 

"I could say that same to you."

"I'll have you know, I am currently courting Alexander Nott. But it's healthy to stir up a little bit of jealousy now and then." 

"Then why are you squeezing the biceps of a certain seeker, and settling in bar corners with my cousin?" Hettie feigned appall, her hand coming to her chest as Augustus made his way back. He placed a butterbeer in front of Jocelin and slid another to Hettie.

"Tell Jo she would do well to go ahead and confess her feelings to our dear friend R.A.B." Hettie purred, looking up at her cousin through batted eyes. Augustus almost choked on his drink, wincing as Jocelin's boot collided with his shin. 

"I - uh, didn't notice." He sputtered. Jocelin brought the warm drink to her lips and took a large gulp. Maybe it would melt away the conversation. 

"You both are so fucking boring. Is this a dominate trait of the Avery name?" The two cousins glanced at each other, maybe it was. Nothing was quite exciting about either of them. And those who tried to break the mold often faced dire consequences. That was no secret between them. 

A string of laughter came again from the corner as the four friends headed out the door, banging it loudly at their departure. Jocelin watched carefully, eyes trailing the blowing wind of her sister. She hadn't realized Marlene was gazing just the same, though a different look settled in her eyes. 

With a sigh, trying to remain unbothered, Jocelin was gulped down the remained of her drink to the surprise of Hettie. _She left you Jocelin, she is the traitor._

_Then why did it feel so awful to see her leave._

« -- ❈ -- » 

Regulus had been right, the whispers slowly disappeared. Silas had managed to set his cauldron completely on fire later that week while making a simple healing potion. Then Severus and James had it out again in the courtyard. Everyone had forgotten how Delilah had been disowned from her family, and how she took great pride and pleasure in it. 

So Jocelin did the best she could. Secretly she had helped Regulus right his potion, "accidentally" leaving a page open to the answer next to the waiting cauldron. Her fix was perfect and Slughorn gave her 5 points to correcting Hettie's mistakes in class the next week. Pride swelled her while Hettie was annoyed by it all. Still she hadn't been able to see Regulus much, everyone busying themselves for the upcoming exams, the whispers towards the end of school and summer plans. Jocelin took her own studying quite seriously, isolating herself in hopes of being able to pull off an "Acceptable" in runes. 

That's where Hettie found Jocelin, cornering her in the library, with the runes books and pieces of parchment spread across the table. This was becoming an unusually annoying reoccurrence. 

They sat mostly in silence as Jocelin rewrote her notes yet again, desperate to find anyway to make the information stick. Hettie lazily read through the book, her quill doodling on her own parchment. She had it in her right mind to ask her friend to leave if she wasn't going to study properly. Just because Hettie could get by with having a low number of O.W.L.s. didn't mean she couldn't. It didn't come easily either. 

It felt as if time was moving slowly around them, Hettie sighing and slouching across the table, Jocelin's eyebrows scrunched in concentration as she tried to decifer the ancient runes. She was able to lose her own mind when Hettie interrupted the thought.

"Jo, you know what's happening don't you?" She had stopped pretending to study, eyes trained at her hands. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Hettie shook her head. She leaned in, her voice dropping. After exams was summer, the summer before their sixth year. Hettie always had big plans for this summer. Her eyes were deadly serious in a way Jocelin wasn't used to as she met them. 

"That's rubbish and we know it. You're not that naïve." 

"Fine, I know what's going on. But why does that matter?" She swallowed, trying to brush it off. It seemed like an odd time to worry about what was coming _after_ when in fact they needed to worry about what was happening _now_. 

"Don't you...don't you care?"

"Of course I do, but I think focusing on school is more important at the moment. Things that need to happen will, my parents can care for it." It was true, though she never heard the exact dealings of her parents, it was not a stretch for her to piece it altogether. 

"I hope you're able to stand for the right thing when it comes down to it Jo." There was that look again. A spark of evil and darkness that she knew sat just below the surface. It was usually more well-hidden. but now she could clearly see it. Her own eyes flickered down to her friend's arm and she saw it. 

The glimpse of a black marking on her inner arm. 

This wasn't new information, she had heard the whispers for years. Her parents made their own opinions, gave their own information. Her cousins whispered together, their eyes glowing with power and importance in recent months. No one actively invited her into the folds, but they didn't push her away either. 

Hettie pulled the sleeve down, not sure if showing her was on purpose or an accident. Jocelin stilled her own quill, chewing on her bottom lip. Was she that dull that they wouldn't want her? That they didn't think she was worthy enough to include? Did they expect this of her? To devote herself, her being, to the cause and to him?

Her father did, she was absolutely sure. Though she had never seen the mark on him, his loyalty to his bloodline was unwavering. They had been schoolmates she heard.

"Was this in Belgium?" She asked quietly, eyes darting around the nearly empty library. Two Gryffindor's sat in the far corner working quickly, and a stray Ravenclaw seemed to find a nap more interesting towards the front. 

"You're not stupid enough to be so hesitant about important dealings Jo." Her grip on the quill tightened. Her non-answer was loud enough.

"I'm not stupid at all Hettie." 

"Your sister, I know she's going to be a problem after she leaves Hogwarts." The words spilled through gritted teeth. It startled her how quickly this conversation had come on, and the turns it was taking on the way. 

"Then that's a problem that can be dealt with when it happens. Which won't include us mind you. We have two more years left." She reminded the other. Hettie's eyes dipped to the chill-level cold that she saved for those she despised most. It was a sure way to shut anyone up. 

"We may, or may not. Things change quickly my sweet child." God, did everyone view her this way? As a sweet, innocent, doe-eyed little girl? She felt sickly. 

"I'm not a fucking child Hettie. You've treated me as such since our first year. I make the decisions I need to make as the arise. There is no need to sabotage a future that isn't even here yet." For the first time, Jocelin returned her best friend's gaze. 

Hettie's eyes widen, but they returned a bit warmth that Jocelin rarely saw. A bit of pride, maybe even disbelief, that she had responded with such a response. 

"You're not standing up for her are you?"

"Of course not, she's a traitor. Being a Ravenclaw might be forgivable but...you know it all." She in fact, did not,Jocelin was selective about what Hettie, or anyone knew. Though it seemed Delilah was not as secretive with her side of the story. 

"Good. I knew you would be a good addition, you are logical in all the ways that matter. Plus, Miss Avery, you have a bit of fire in you eh?" 

Jocelin refused to reply this time. Hettie let out her usual giggle and gathered her things to leave without a second thought. 

And Jocelin was sure she was drowning in hers. 

Instead of sinking into her studies, her mind wouldn't be able to concentrate on it anyway, she headed through the aisles of the library. Her hyes scanned quickly over the spines of the books, some newly bound and placed, others fraying at their edges from years of use. It was comforting to see them, and to know that soon others would join them in a well-worn fashion. 

One stuck out to her, the faded blue spine with imprinted gold lettering. She had seen it around, but never taken the time to read it. Her fingers traced over the letters, the title and author. It was a harmless book, a history of the English wizarding world. The author didn't release any other books to Jocelin's knowledge, but still this was beloved by many. 

She took it out and flipped through, the pages thick and heavy with a thorough history. It was somewhat of a narrative, something she would enjoy. She flipped to the back where the ledger of names were written, some in beautiful calligraphy others in cramped writing, of students who had checked it out through the years. Her eyes scanned over the names, most she didn't recognize or had a vague picture of who they were. And then she saw it, her name written lazily, and a few spaces down was his written quite perfectly. Delilah Avery had read through this book twice it seemed, and Regulus Black an astonishing three times. Without even thinking, Jocelin tucked it under her arm and made her way toward Madam Pince, checking it out with hopes that maybe she could find traces of them within the pages. She was trying to understand how two people so vastly different, both whom took too many of her thoughts, could find such a book worthy of multiple reads. She wondered briefly where he was in all of this, if his parents were pushing him the same ways Hettie's was, or if they kept quiet until he made his own decisions. Her heart raced at the idea, the day would come where she would have to make her own decisions. Hettie kept reminding her of it. 

In a space under his she wrote her name neatly and placed it gently in her bag. All motivation for studying had ceased and so she packed up the rest of her books, quills, and parchment quickly before heading back to the Slytherin common room. That night she drew the curtains to her bed before anyone else could enter the dorm and under the light of her wand she delved into the story of Gellart Grindelwald. Between the words she looked for parts of them. 

« -- ❈ -- » 


	9. Nine.

« -- ❈ -- » **_  
_**

**_[_** 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖𝚜 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚣𝚣𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍 **_]_**

_cover me in roses // holden laurence_

« -- ❈ -- » 

They found their usual spot on the train, Hettie to her left and Regulus across from her. He had a different book this time, it's spine so worn she couldn't gather the title. She never told him that she read the Grindelwald book, that she quite enjoyed it. Her fingers traced over the pages, imagining him laughing at the same parts. She had also thought of her sister, rolling her eyes at his beliefs, scribbling notes on lose parchment instead of enjoying the story for what it was. 

Jocelin had liked it just enough. 

"Get your bloody nose out of that book and talk to us." Hettie reached across the table, swiping it from Regulus's hands. He fumbled for it, shooting her a dark look before tucking it away. 

"Isn't it my favorite fifth years? Excuse me, now sixth years." Alexander Nott slid next to Regulus, his eyes settled mostly on Hettie. She leaned on her elbows, tongue swiping across her bottom lip at him. Jocelin tensed. 

Regulus gave his usual smirk and leaned back, oddly relaxed. He could not be more opposite of his brother, in ways that felt natural and mature. While Sirius was loud and boisterous, getting everyone to look at him and never backing down like a typical Gryffindor, Regulus could easily command his spaces. Last year the girls started whispering when he would walk by, and he would just flash a sly smile. Sirius lapped it up, while Regulus simply accepted it. 

She thought about her and Delilah, the crass 7th year who wasn't afraid to intimidate those around her. She was always right and had to make it known. Jocelin could never capture that kind of confidence and she certainly didn't have the same ease that Regulus produced. It was funny, how different situations turned out different people. 

"Jocelin." Hettie elbowed her hard and she realized she had been staring. Her eyes met Regulus's who raised an eyebrow, traces of a smile fleeting. 

"Oh, sorry I was just-" 

"Admiring the view, we know." Hettie laughed, sending flames across Jocelin's skin. 

"We were wondering how drunk you supposed our parents would be getting at the Malfoy/Black wedding. But better question is, how drunk will you be?" Hettie pushed, knowing full well that wasn't who Jocelin was. 

"Oh, uh. I suppose my mother will have just enough wine to make her actually hold my father's hand to walk. Maybe she'll shower us in compliments..." She thought aloud, wishing it was the truth. "And my father, you know his face will get all red and ruddy, he'll try to make jokes that will land flat." Jocelin scrunched her nose at the thought. It was awful having to deal with them at their sober, let alone their drunk. 

"My father will make an absolute fool of himself as he always does and my mother will be just a little too kind to the single men in the room." Hettie interrupted, grinning at the thought. She got too much enjoyment out of others embarrassment for Jocelin's liking. 

"Well, we know my father will complain that the whiskey isn't aged enough, and my mother will be a bit too nit picky about details that don't matter." Regulus offered, sliding his book back onto the table. 

" _I_ will be looking for some fun for the night." Nott added, his eyes grazing over Hettie. Jocelin pulled her own gaze away, feeling as if she was interrupting something private despite the fact they had elected to join her. 

It was going to be an elaborate affair in the Malfoy Manor. Jocelin had never been, but she heard of how gorgeous it was. The lavish yards with peacocks scattered and the grass was never out of place. There were no puddles of mud, or a brick out of line. The inside was decorated with heirlooms passed down through generations, almost the makings of a royal line one supposed. 

In a way, if they were purebloods and deemed worthy by Alexander's grandfather, they all had a place in royalty. 

"You two should go get your own private compartment." Regulus huffed leaning against the back of the booth, his book now shielding his face. Hettie scoffed, but seemed to follow his advice, her hand intertwining with Alexander's as they pushed through the carriages. She could breathe again.

She wondered where Delilah was going to go. Would she try to come home? Who would take her in? Did she even get on the Hogwarts express or did she make her way to Hogsmeade? 

"Where did Sirius go when he left last summer?" Jocelin whispered, leaning across the table, she couldn't help but wonder. He had been there before, he knew what to expect. 

"Probably Potter's, I dunno, he never told me." 

"Do you still talk?"

"No." She thought back to that time she had caught them in the hallway, how Sirius had left in a huff. 

"Do you wish you still did?"

He put his book now, but his eyes avoided hers. She watched him as he breathed in slowly, as if calculating exactly what to reveal to her. 

"Yes." 

It wasn't the answer she had expected, but Sirius had told her about the secret notes, and she had never told him. She wondered if Hettie or Augustus had, or anyone else who had overheard the conversation. 

"He didn't want to, why should I?" Regulus breathed in sharply, his eyes now pouring into Jocelin's soul. 

"I don't know." 

They both sat there like that, her fingers picking at each other while he remained as still as possible. 

"You're doing the right thing." He finally spoke, breaking the silence. "Delilah made her own choices, and she'll regret them. But you're doing the right thing." There was more emphasis on the last sentence and Jocelin gulped. This was the right thing, if anyone could convince her it was him. 

"So are you." She whispered back, and he nodded. Whatever it was, they had just agreed to it. 

He leaned back now, not as relaxed as previously but more so than before. His book was propped back between his hands and Jocelin turned her attention back out the window. Nervously she slid her hand across the table top, palm open like he had offered her by the fire. How he noticed, she couldn't tell, his eyes seemed to be glued to the book, but lightly he pressed his fingertips into her palm. His hand rested on her palm softly and slowly, fingers curling into the bellies of her own as they connected. Her head rested on the window and she closed her eyes, just taking the moment to feel the connection. They were friends who supported each other, who had difficult siblings and distant parents. They understood each other so it made sense that they could be there for each other. And still she wondered if he would ever see her for beyond that, or if he would follow his mother's guidance on who to pursue. Would they have a choice after all? 

She didn't know, so she savored all she could get, silence on the train with his hand in hers. And when Hettie would eventually turn up again they would pull them away, her cheeks heated and his face would remain unamused. 

« -- ❈ -- » 

The wedding was even more stunning than she could have imagined. Maybe she needed to work on her creativity. It was classy, simple black and white detailing that made the affair seem that more lavish. Her mother had ended up picking her dress for her, an elegant deep green gown. She doubted others had their parents still make clothing choices for them.

She wandered through the marbled hallways into the ballroom, the reception filtered between the ballroom and courtyard area. Selfishly she wondered if should could marry there, or have the same lavish affair. Was this all of Narcissa and Lucius planning? Or was is directed by their parents and tradition? Jocelin realized she had never heard a story about her own parents wedding, and wondered if it would be planned without her input as she figured theirs was. 

"You're in deep thought." Hettie approached her as Jocelin gazed across the garden from the balcony. 

"Do you think Narcissa planned this? Or their mothers?" Jocelin questioned, turning to face Hettie. She had opted for a lower cut dress, and it hung to her friend's frame perfectly. It felt odd to be in such adult situations when she still saw herself as such a child. 

"Hm, probably mostly tradition, but they both love that so I don't think it was a bother." Hettie shrugged, downing the rest of her champagne. "Why? You want to marry here?"

"Maybe. It's fun to think about sometimes." 

"I just look forward to the _after_ part." Hettie laughed, leaning against the railing of the balcony with Jocelin. She blushed. 

"Oh please, it won't be any different than the before." She rolled her eyes, grateful to hear another loud laugh from her friend. 

"You know, you should tap into your humor more often." Somehow the witch had ended up with two more flutes of champagne, already pushing one into her hands. 

"Relax, everyone is drinking and it's champagne after all. You'll be fine." 

It was more bitter than Jocelin was expecting. 

"I thought I might find you two out here." Alexander had wandered out, his eyes bloodshot. Immediately Hettie perked up, fixing her posture so Alexander wouldn't have a choice but to notice her. 

"Hm, I have found my entertainment for the rest of the evening. Have you?" Hettie whispered, her breath hot against her ear. 

"Yes, there are too many important and fascina-" 

"Fuck off with that diplomatic shit Jo, it's a wedding for god's sake. Have fun." She hissed, taking another long swig from the crystal and turning towards Nott. She didn't want to know where they disappeared to. Instead Jocelin made her way back inside, smiling at those she knew where important, trying to avoid the uncomfortable gazes, and wholeheartedly avoiding her parents. 

For a moment she wished Delilah was there, imagining the two of them giggling together about the foul looking old people, making games out of the amount of people trying to climb the social ladder, and place bets on what dance would be next. _That's_ what sisters should be doing. In the middle of the floor she watched Bellatrix pull Narcissa into a tight hug laughing, her chest felt heavy again. 

"You look like you need a dance, or something stronger than champagne." Regulus stepped in front of Jocelin as she wandered, bringing a smile to her lips. 

"And how would you know?" 

"You're easy to read Miss Avery." He held out his arm, and she took it gently. 

"I have it on good word they're about to play a waltz, would you do me the honors?" He whispered, his breath tickling her neck in a way that made her shiver. Her mouth went dry and she took the moment to finish her drink. She placed it gently on a passing tray and nodded. 

The music changed and Regulus lead them to the floor along with the other couples. He bowed and she curtsied just as they had been taught. His hand took hers softly, his other resting on her waist and he pulled her closer than she figured necessary. The last time she had been in this position she had been eleven, back when they all still thought boys were too gross to associate with. 

Though it had been years, the two quickly fell into the steps, their muscle memory saving them from any embarrassment. It was as if they were gliding on a cloud through the other couples and Jocelin couldn't help but notice how well they worked together. He spun her and her dress twirled, leading them through the steps with ease. This was something she could get used to, being in his arms.

In a moment too soon the music changed and before she could protest, Regulus was leading her off the floor. Maybe it was good for just one dance. 

"I promised you a dance and something stronger correct?" He smiled as he noticed her fallen and confused face. Out of his pocket he produced a flask, not caring to glance around to see who all was watching. 

"They have drinks here." She rolled her eyes, but followed him nonetheless. Maybe tonight would be the night she could let go a little bit, to have fun as Hettie kept reminding her. 

"I know, but I had to be prepared just in case." He laughed, leading the two down hallways Jocelin didn't recognize. Briefly she thought to question him, to voice that they were leaving the designated party area, but decided against it. Fun people didn't question when their crushes whisked them away. 

Turning a corner and following him down a marble staircase she was surprised to find herself facing the garden. The chairs and decorations from the ceremony had already been cleared, thanks to the house-elves, but it was still a beautiful scene. The sky was starry and bright and the air warm and clean. Without meaning too she took a deep breath, letting herself inhale the moment. 

"Here." He smiled, moving to unbutton his top two buttons and Jocelin tried not to stare. Instead she brought the flask to her lips and took a swig, face wrinkling at the burn as the firewhiskey trickled down her throat. 

"How do you stand to drink that?" She coughed, handing it back. 

"You get used to it." There it was again, that bright smile and small laugh. His hand gripped hers as he found settled himself on the flat shelf that jutted from the raised garden beds. Normally Jocelin would insist on finding a proper place to sit, but it seemed futile in that moment. 

Her skin was warming and she gladly took the flask again, taking another swig and for some reason expecting a different reaction. 

Regulus laughed again. 

"What? Firewhiskey too good for you? Not posh enough?" He smiled, taking another swig himself. 

"No, I-I, can't believe you all enjoy that." 

"It's not about the taste Miss Avery, but the effect." He emphasized and she cut her gaze to him. She knew her skin was flushed, but the edges around her seemed to soften a bit. In ways that made her relax, is this how everyone felt all the time? 

Their eyes met and they held them in silence, the same comfortable silence that Jocelin always looked forward to around him. He leaned so his arms were resting on his knees and she supported herself on one hand, not daring to be the first to break the silence. It felt like only a second and eternity at the same time. 

"Do you ever believe we should be more than friends?" It was a quiet question, curious in nature. Her breath caught in her throat, was this his way of letting her down easy? That he couldn't see her that way, or that maybe his mother had set him up with Clare, promised him to someone she didn't know?

"Yes," her honesty surprised her, "do you?"

"Yes." 

It hung in the air between them, him leaned forward, looking up towards her. She leaned back, unable to tear her eyes away. It took her a moment to realize what that meant, the consequences of their words. 

The moonlight seemed to brighten his pale skin, leaving him sparkling. She wondered if it was these moments that sculptors found their inspirations, their muses. If she could she would give anything to capture that moment, the sharpness of his jaw, the softness in his eyes. He was almost angelic. 

Slowly he shifted, leaning back to mimic her own posture. Jocelin froze, unsure of what she should do. Should she follow suit? Change her own position? Close the gap between them? What did this mean for them? 

But the thoughts were soon quieted as Regulus moved closer, the space between them decreasing with each moment. They weren't calculated movements, but intentional, Regulus knew what he was doing, it wasn't a sloppy after thought. Everything he did was intentional. 

Now his face was mere centimeters from hers, his eyes casting down across her lips before meeting hers again. Her breathing hitched, and she remained still, letting him take lead again for the night. 

Then he was leaning in, with more determination this time. She knew she wasn't imagining like she had convinced herself in his bedroom, no Regulus was leaning in to her with every intention of kissing her. And she was going to let him. 

His lips were soft, warmer than she expected. Not the marble he reflected. It wasn't a shy kiss, but not all engulfing like she had witnessed from the other students when she caught them in empty corners. No, he was waiting for her response, their lips closed and pressed together delicately. It felt as if every nerve in Jocelin's body was finally alive. 

She pulled back first, not sure what the right thing to do was, and he hung there still caught up in the kiss before their eyes met again. A small giggle that felt like it belonged to someone else left her body. 

"Was that okay Josi?" He was the only person to call her that, everyone resorting to Jo without even asking her if she liked it. She wanted him to be the only to call her that. 

"Yes." She breathed, wondering how to make it happen again. He smiled, shifting even closer. 

"I-I've wanted to do that for a while now." He admitted, stumbling through his words in a way that was foreign to them both. 

"Me too." It was as if all words had left her, and all she could think about was kissing him again. All she wanted to do was kiss him again. 

As if reading her mind he leaned in again, pressing his lips firmly against hers. This time his hand cupped her cheek and Jocelin followed, leaning more into the kiss. It had more substance this time, more heated in their contact. This was the kind of kiss Hettie always talked about, that felt as if you were falling into the other person, wanting more and more of them in ways you couldn't really describe. 

It was better than magic. 

His lips parted and she followed, letting the alcohol in her veins take over and ease the alarming thoughts of anxiety that typically stole her attention. Instead she focused on him, the way his chest felt under her palm, the strong steady beat of his heart. He was warm against her, and tasted faintly of firewhiskey, his smell encapsulated her senses and in that moment she could only envision him. 

He deepened the kiss, pulling her closer and she was thankful for it. Now she understood why everyone snuck off to kiss each other so often, if this is what it was like. All too soon he pulled away, leaving her brain foggy and her chest aching for more. 

Slowly she opened her eyes to meet his smiling features, her heart sped to a nearly impossible rate. There was so much she wanted to say, to ask him, to confess, but the words couldn't leave her lips, no all she could focus on was his. 

"Jos-"

"Regulus, there you are. We have been looking everywhere for you." Walburga Black stood just behind Jocelin and she practically jumped at the sound. All feelings of desire and contentment fled her system. Quickly she stood, smoothing out her soft green dress and she curtsied to the woman. She only gave a small nod to her before turning her attention back to Regulus. He was rooted in his spot, eyes still glued on her. 

"We are leaving now, you must say goodbye, it is the proper thing to do. Button up." Her words were clipped and in another moment she was turning away, not bothering to wonder if Regulus would follow her. 

"Josi-" 

"You should follow your mother. I need to get back to my parents." She hurried, nodding at him before striding inside, wishing away the red blotches she knew were covering her neck. The throngs of guests was thinning and it wasn't long before she found her parents, the two had barely noticed she had disappeared. Who would have thought that the shy measly Avery girl would be caught snogging the stoic Black boy in the Malfoy garden? She didn't bother to look for him as they bid goodbye, wanting to hide the desire he had conjured up in her. 

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End file.
